I'm Rootin for the Horned Frogs

Actually, I'm not rooting for them. I watched the TCU Horned Frogs vs. The Iowa State Cyclones in the Houston Bowl, and while I'm no big fan of Iowa, it is right next door, so hey, go neighbor. But in my fan frenzy, I had an epiphany- if a frog came across a cyclone in real life, who do you think would win? And so began my trek across the utter ridiculousness that is the college sport nickname.
A while ago, my hockey obsessed friend was watching a NHL game between the Devils and the Penguins. And I looked at him incredulously- "Who do you think is going to win? How in the hell could a penguin defeat the devil? I haven't even seen that in comic books." To which he rolled his eyes, but I think I have a valid point- the names of teams should be at least halfway menacing, or else who would take you seriously? (Devils won.)
So I began looking into the names of college teams, because unless you live in the Midwest, nobody takes them seriously. And I'm beginning to understand why there are so many college dropouts in this country.
Take for instance, the University of California at Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. Now, I have no idea exactly what a Banana Slug looks like, or what it does, but it certainly doesn't sound scary. I'm pretty sure I could take on a banana slug. Another of my favorites: the Endicott College Power Gulls. What the shit is a Power Gull? A seagull with a machine gun?
Some just don't make sense at all to me- like the Vassar College Anchormen. Are Miles O'Brien and Wolf Blitzer in the Alumni Association? I'll bet there's a jazz flute section in the band. And a personal favorite- the Rhode Island School of Design Nads. Not Power Nads, or Big Nads, just Nads. Maybe the writers of Beavis and Butthead graduated from there.
Georgia seems to have a distinct array of stupid names. For example: the Georgia Technical Institute Ramblin Wrecks, and the Life University of Georgia Running Eagles. For the record, Eagles fly, and I'm not very afraid of my old car coming after me.
Here's the matchup of the century- Arkansas Tech. Wonder Boys vs. the Heidelberg College Student Princes. It's on after Queer Eye For the Straight Guy.
Part of the problem is that these names aren't scary enough. It's hard to summon pride and spirit for teams named after animals so low on the food chain even we don't eat them. Like the University of California at Irvine Anteaters. Go anteaters? Dude, they're gross. They eat bugs. And the University of Alaska at Monticello Boll Weevils? Dude, those are bugs!
Some are just strange. New Jersey State College Goth Knights. Makes me want to hide my black hair dye and nail polish. These kids were scary in high school, sure, but it's just a phase, right?
Or there's the Trinity Christian College Trolls. Christian Trolls are scary only because if it's the next Shrek movie, I might have to see it.
But there is a ray of hope- Say hello to the California State Long Beach Dirtbags! Now that's a team I can get behind. Met more than a few in my lifetime.
I guess I'm just gonna have to get over it. There's so many college teams that maybe they simply ran out of names. And I guess I can't really say too much, because I am a Cornhusker. But before you say anything, asshole, husking corn is hard. It's hot and your hands bleed. And the people who do it are crazy. Psychopathic crazy. So don't fuck with us. We're scary, damnit.
And the next time the Jamestown Jimmies fight the St. John's Johnnies, I'll be watching golf.
Go Camels!

Ma, It's Not Wasted Space

In my years, I still haven't found anything as gut-wrenchingly embarrassing as a sex conversation with my mother. Now, it's not your run of the mill, what does this do, where does this go conversation of your teen years, this goes way beyond- the things she wants to talk about are things that even I have trouble talking about without blushing, and that's saying something. So imagine my chagrin, when at Applebee's, in front of my cute bartender, she pops out with "I heard guys like having their prostate rubbed, Jess. Where is it?"
EIWWWWWWWWWW.
Okay, trying to get beyond the fact that she figured I would know, (which I do) I couldn't believe she had the balls to ask her daughter whether she should stick her finger up her boyfriend's butt, which after I told her exactly where it was, she started contemplating out loud.
Now, I don't know much about normal conservation topics involving one's mother, but I'm pretty sure this one doesn't count. Especially when the next thing she says is- "I used to lay in bed with your dad, and he always said the area between his balls and his ass was wasted space. Is that true?"
DOUBLE EIWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Oh God I think I'm gonna barf. Now she brings up the only taboo from childhood that still counts- your parents having sex, and combines it with like the worst mental image I have ever seen. I felt faint when I told her in a teeny, tiny voice- "No."
And she starts ranting about how retarded my dad is, and how glad she is that sex with her boyfriend is better, and how excited she is to try all these cool new sex tips I'm giving her. And I ran for the bathroom.
What I don't understand is how exactly she knew to ask me these things. My sexual escapades are not unknown, but for God's sake, even my mother knows I like to get a little freaky? And now, apparently, the cute bartender at Applebee's has a faint inkling, too. So I'm on a self-imposed exile from Applebee's. That's not a very cool way to pick up guys- "Hey, my mother says I'm good in bed! Wanna see if she's right?"
As for my mother, let's just say the next time I'm having a conversation with her will be inside a church. I'm hoping the presence of God will shut her up. But that's a job even the Almighty might have a problem with. As for the rest of you- It's Not Wasted Space.

Keep That Shit Away From My Ass!

Ha Ha This is so funny I had to post it. I know it's not mine, but since I'm incredibly nice, I figured I should share it. Enjoy!

I love my job...

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! The next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.... Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue:Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job"

Teeth Are Overrated, Anyway

So it turns out I'm good at ice skating. And with all talents one possesses, one must best decide what to do with said talents. Being of the belief that figure skating is for sad girls and gay men, I have decided to apply my talents in an area that desperately needs someone like me: Ice Hockey.
Hockey is pretty tough. The ice is slippery, and people will punch you in the face without any forewarning. And it's had it's share of problems. It just got over a strike, and most Americans don't like watching sports dominated by people named Sven. So I, yes I, am volunteering for the thankless job of restoring hockey to its once prestigious title of America's least watched sport.
The problem is, most people have a hard time watching hockey. The puck is too small. So, as soon as I'm on a team, I'm going to demand that we use something a little more visible- like a bowling ball. It will make the game a lot easier to follow. But Sergio the goalie is gonna have to get some more padding!
We need more players, too. 5 people is not enough, and there's only four if there's a power play. Football has 11 players on the field, plus the 600 guys on the sidelines. Did you know that the same guy who plays 4th string right tackle is not the same guy who plays 4th string left tackle? Americans love excess! We need like 12 guys out on the ice.
And we're going to have to make the fights more interesting. There's 24 hockey players stoned on testosterone and wearing ice skates, so there's always going to be some bloodshed. But Americans need more than just some broken noses. We don't watch NASCAR because it's interesting, we watch it because there's a chance we're going to see an explosion or two. So from now on, players can whack eachother with their sticks. In fact, let's trade the traditional hockey sticks for some good old fashioned baseball bats. That ought to help. So go ahead! Feel free to beat a Canadian over the head.
Basketball has always been know for it's half time contests. A fan gets to come down and shoot a basket for a prize. Except they have to shoot from half court, and the prize is always a gift certificate to The Olive Garden. So let's kick ours up a notch. We'll let the fans onto to the ice to fight over the teeth left from bowling balls and baseball bats. Whoever collects the most teeth wins a gift certificate to The Olive Garden. But they get to take Bjorn, Gunnar, and Ivar with them. Someone's gotta pre-chew their food for them.
And by the way, what's up with this 3 period bullshit? Who wants two halftimes? American's like their games to come in pairs, not treys. Even baseball has the 7th inning stretch. I don't care how Canadians count, us Americans don't want to do more than we have to, and two halftimes is twice as much standing and stretching than we're comfortable with.
We should change the prize too. Who the hell is Stanley? And why would anybody want his cup? I think we should play for pizza. The winner gets free Pizza Hut for life. Or we could play for free dental work. Maybe we could have some sort of lottery. Fuck this Stanley guy. And his stupid cup.
We're going to start serving beer in the penalty box. We'll call it "The Penalty Box Pub," and I guarantee that players will do anything to get in there. So our halftime show will always be fully stocked with teeth. And whoever loses the most teeth during the half will get a free drink with a purchase of any menu item over 5 dollars.
We're gonna need to make over our fans, too. Hockey fans are crazy, sure, but there's not a rink full of cheeseheads, or people doing the "truffle shuffle." So no fan is allowed in unless they are wearing one of the following:
A beer can hat
A viking hat, a hat in the shape of a food object, or enough mardi gras beads to make Pamela Anderson work for them
Enough body paint to make Jackson Pollock jealous
Bongo drums
Indian gear
A jersey made entirely out of garbage bags and stuffed animals
Nothing
Our fans need to be as unruly as the players. So upon entering, all fans who are dressed in the proper attire will be given their own baseball bats. Feel free to beat eachother senseless, just like your favorite hockey players do!
And finally, all hockey players have to have theme names. Like "American Gladiators" used to. So Sven is now "Nitro," and Roland will be "Turbo." It will give hockey a more American feel. "Killer" and "Dog the psychopath " will be reserved for championship games only.
I think I'll start knocking some teeth out now just so I fit in when I get there. I'm also in the process of giving myself a black eye. Does anybody have a hammer? Or a baseball bat?

Why I'm Cooler Than You

Do not be offended. Some things just are, and this happens to be one of them. In case you don't believe me, here's a fairly comprehensive list:

1. I can milk a cow. And I know what part steaks come from. You know, the really tender yummy ones.

2. I can call you a motherfucker in Arabic, tell you to fuck off in Japanese, tell you to suck my dick in Spanish, and say "big penis" in German. I don't believe you have to learn a whole language in order to communicate in other countries, all you really need are a few select phrases.

3. I know how to make a bomb out of a 2 liter bottle and dry ice. Mr. Wizard taught me when I was seven.

4. I got drunk with a news anchor in Minneapolis who now works for CNN. So her news reports are now littered with images of her stumbling around and bitching about the sex with the weatherman.

5. I can rest my foot on the shoulder of someone who is standing (as long as they're under 5'11".)

6. I think "Sideways" is a stupid ass movie.

7. I can make artistic sculptures out of "Elmer's Glue" and as soon as those faggy, uptight art dealers in New York call me back, I'll be famous, which will be another reason I'm cooler than you.

8. I know the recipe to a Big Mac's "secret sauce."

9. I can eat gross things and not vomit (i.e. worms, squid tentacles, cow balls, and an "OJ Special," which is everything on the restaurant table mixed into a glass of orange juice.)

10. I can pop microwave popcorn without burning it.

11. I can get you to read 10 reasons why I'm cooler than you, which just proves that I am.

Ernest Goes to Gross Me Out

Here's a quick little line from Hemmingway's "For Whom the Bell Tolls:"

"I befoul myself in the milk of the springtime!"

Eiwwww. Hemmingway's kind of yucky.

I'm As Inspired As My Cat

I've been completely and utterly uninspired this last week. Maybe it's the stressful job I have, or my friends who keep pissing me off, or my pseudo-boyfriends who never seem to call me, or something, but I feel like my cat. All he does all day is sleep and lick his butt, and while I'm not very inclined to do the latter, I do understand his motives. It's cold out, and there's no animals left to kill. So he hangs out all day in a depressive cat-funk. He's become quite the bummer.
So I suppose I have, too. Become quite the bummer, that is. And while I know I'll eventually come out of my Jessica-funk, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. All the animals I like to kill are hibernating, too.
I want to go to the Grand National Llama Show. It's here at the Lancaster Event Center. But I can't find anybody to go with me. Am I the only one who feels the artistic pull of the llama show? It's freakin hilarious. Imagine the people who go to these things for real, not like me who has the sole intention of mocking people. But I'll never go, unless I go with myself, and the Grand National Llama Show must be shared with a friend.
Mainly, when I feel like this, it's because of a boredom. I used to fix it with pot, but that ship pretty much sailed. Whenever I have a funny notion, I have to share it with myself, because at the moment, I don't have anyone else to share it with. I'm fun, but I already know that, so hanging out with myself is boring. I would listen to my "Devastatin' Dave" album, but again, that is something to be shared with a friend. Devastatin' Dave knows this, and would be offended if I tried it alone.
My job has been completely stressful, and is literally sucking all the fun from me. But I have a 3 days off, so the stress has melted like that shit on the inside of a microwave popcorn bag that leaves your hands all greasy. So I'm feeling fun again. But alas, I have all this fun and nothing to do with it.
Things like this are not going to be happening for awhile: While at the mall with my friend Amanda, I was harassed by the Carousel Operator. And I said to him- "Knave! Dost thou thinkest of me as a rider of the carousel?" And the second time he harassed me, I said fine, I'll ride the damn carousel if I can do it for free. So we got on the carousel, bitching and laughing and making jokes, and I shit you not, I got laughed at by blind people, so you can imagine how ridiculous we looked, since they couldn't even see us. And it was tons o fun.
And until my Mujo comes back, is not going to happen again for awhile. Which is fine. Being the comedian all the time is hard. I'll take this as a well earned break. In the meantime, maybe I will try licking my ass for a while. Well, this is advice from someone who drinks out of the toilet and eats dead rodents for fun, so maybe I'll lay off my cat's advice for a while. He seems to enjoy it, though.

One More For The Road

Sorry, gotta put this out there. If only we all lived in Europe where this sort of thing were socially accepted... A girl can dream, eh?

I want a piece of Devastatin' Dave

This is my new favorite album. Actually, I just learned how to post pictures. So this technically is not my new favorite album. This one is:

Welcome To The Hitching Post

The prospect of marriage has always freaked me out. Mention the words "husband", "wedding", "vows", or "boring sex with the same man over and over for eternity," and I totally whig. And the image in my head of my marriage has never been pleasant. Here's a tid bit:
As the sun sets over the park, I step out of my trailer with my husband and children onto the cool packed dirt road. My children run into the road, splendid in their bare footed, diapered, unwashed child exuberance. I crack open a Miller High Life and light up a Basic cigarette and I rub my husband's beer belly while he drinks Jack Daniels from a brown paper bag. Our Pit Bulls bark wildly and strain against their studded collars when the children get too close. My husband ends their barking with a sharp kick to their ribs, and I smile because our electricity is back on. Marriage is bliss.
So you can imagine my trepidation. How am I going to please my husband, who obviously is quite the catch, and my dumb luck to have married him in the first place? Luckily, I came across a little article designed to help women just like me. It's a little old, but marriage itself is ancient, so I'm sure it's just as relevant now as it was back then. It's called "The Good Wife's Guide" May 13, 1955.

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
So okay. Cook for him. That's great advice, because I like to cook, and men like to eat. This guide is great!

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
So looking pretty for him is a decent tip. Don't know about that ribbon, though.

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Wow, being gay and "lifting" my husband. This magazine is dirty! So, kinky sex? I'm in.

4.Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Okay, but when? I have to come home from work, rest, do my hair and makeup, cook dinner, and clean the house? All before he gets home? Well, okay, I'll try, I guess.

5.Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dishcloth over the tables.
Are you trying to say that good wives are redundant? Did you read #4 before you wrote #5?

6.Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give him a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Okay, wait a minute. Do you really think it's wise to mix me and fire? And what the hell is this shit about "catering for his comfort?" You know what provides me with immense personal satisfaction? Throwing darts at girls who think that catering for men's comfort will provide them with immense personal satisfaction.

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small,) comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Children are "treasures" and should "play the part?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a moron. Quiet kids? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, that's good.

8. Be happy to see him.
Finally, something that makes sense. But what's all this hoopla about "his arrival?" This whole guide seems to be all about him...

9.Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Okay, hold on. What if I don't have a desire to please anybody? And I don't have any sincerity to show when it comes to not wanting to please people. My mere presence should please him enough anyway.

10.Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
WHAT!!!!???? You are fucking kidding me. You think my husband talking about who can belch loudest after lunch while scratching his ass is more important than my "dozen important things?" Fuck that.

11.Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of interest without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Are you planning on my husband being a bomb diffuser? Or a CIA spy? Because having a job is not exactly what I would qualify as bad enough to warrant being a jerk face and not coming home. And if he has a "very real need to be at home and relax," then why is he coming home late and going out to dinner?

12.Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
No, my goal is to avoid going to jail for spousal abuse or attempted murder. I'm not his Zenmaster.

13.Don't greet him with complaints or problems.
Well, tell him to quit pissing me off.

14.Don't complain if he's late coming home, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through during the day.
Okay, once again, where the hell does this dude work? And why are you telling me not to worry if he doesn't come home at night? If he doesn't come home, then whatever he might have "gone through during the day" is going to seem like a fucking picnic party.

15.Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
The only thing men are masters of is the toilet, and even then they get yelled at if they leave the seat up. And I have every right to question him, because if I didn't, we would be eating polish dogs and pork rinds every night while the kids watch porn on the couch his college roommate spilled bong water on.

16. A good wife always knows her place.
Yeah, you know where it is? On top.

Well, I think I can safely say that if this is how marriage is going to be, then I want nothing to do with it. What kind of backward ass world world would we be living in if this were how marriages actually were? Oh, wait. We'd be in a nuclear cold war and Joe McCarthy would be knocking on my back door. Men are such idiots.

I'm Hitching a Ride With John Madden

So I have a new job. Yay! I don't have to work at the gas station anymore!!! It's a pretty cushy job, too. 10 bucks an hour, yeah I'm okay with that. There's just a small problem. They want me to fly to the regional headquarters in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Now besides the fact that instead of going to the national headquarters in Florida, which is a lot cooler place than Wyoming (way to go Captain Obvious,) I have to FLY. Let me emphasize that a little: FLY.
So let me be clear. I don't fly. Ever. Well, I have 4 times. And I didn't like any of them. So, like smoking, I quit. And, like smoking, I guess I'm starting again.
The problem is I think I'm gonna crash and die. Now I know people will say things like "flying is safer than driving," and "the most dangerous part of flying is driving to the airport," but fuck them. I'm sorry, but how many people get to survive a plane crash? When you're driving you car, you can be almost sure you're not going to plummet 40,000 feet to your death.
I just really don't want to be aware of what's happening when the plane goes nose first into the Sandhills. It really scares the hell out of me.
And now, I can't even bring matches on the plane. So after they pry my hands loose from the arm rests and kick me out into the terminal, I can't even smoke a damn cigarette. Fucking terrorists.
I'm not afraid of them, either. After 9/11 everybody was scared of terrorists. The terrorists who would hijack a plane going from Lincoln, Nebraska to Cheyenne, Wyoming are the terrorists who got kicked out of terrorist school for smoking crack between prayer times.
What the shit is wrong with driving? Hell, I could explore the beauty of our Sandhills, and drive towards the Rocky Mountains, and check out everything Wyoming has to offer. Like livestock.
John Madden gets to roll around the country in this giant bus motor home thing because he's afraid of flying. I'm on his side. Flying is for people who have a death wish.
But then, I do realize that planes rarely crash. 100,000 people flew today, my parents included. They went to freakin Disney World. Without me, I might add (don't get me started.) They all made it okay. Maybe if I could take 2 Darvocets washed down with 3 glasses of wine I could fly okay. But it's a business trip, so I can't show up unconscious.
So I guess I'm writing this so there's a record of how I ended up dying. Cuz I will. Or not. I guess you'd have to be a lucky person to beat the odds of dying in an airplane, and I have yet to see the results of my 20 dollar Powerball ticket. So obviously, I'm not that lucky.
Whatever. If I die on a trip to Cheyenne, Wyoming, I'm gonna be pissed. If I'm gonna die on a plane, then I should be going to fucking Hawaii.

Let's Give a Hand For the Russian Bikini Team

I'm talking to my mother right now about a boy my little sister is seeing. He's a Russian, or I guess he's an American who was born in Russia. And while talking to my sister about him, my mom asked if he was really pale with dark bags under his eyes. My sister said, "well, yeah." And my mother acts as if this proves her extremely scientific theory:
Communism makes people ugly. And her argument is based on the fact that Americans, who are free, have better skin than Russians.
"I mean, could you imagine what their bikini team looks like?" She said. "Compare them to the Swedish bikini team, and you'll see what I mean."
Now, even though I bit my tongue when I thought to myself, "don't Swedes have like the highest suicide rate in the world?" I still couldn't help but see her point. I have yet to meet a sexy Russian.
So I replied, "Mom, it's just geography. They're pale because it's always winter. Same reason Africans and Mexicans are dark. It's always summer."
"Nope," she said. "I guarantee you, that if Chinese DNA were different, they would have bad skin, too."
And that's when I let her go, because I really couldn't follow her anymore.
But then I started thinking about what she was talking about. Which gave me a headache, which I fixed with two glasses of Pinot Grigio. And now she's starting to make sense. Which probably makes me drunk.
So okay. Imagine, if you will, an old Russian woman. If you can't, I'll help. She looks like Ed Koch. Now imagine Joan Rivers. Kinda wierd, huh? Like maybe the Russian spent all her time in a bread line, while Joan Rivers injected the fat in her thighs into her face. According to that model, Communism does make you ugly, while freedom makes you Joan Rivers.
But then I look at China and Cuba. Castro looks like Keith Richards, meaning he should have died 30 years ago but hasn't. And Cuban women are hot until they have 30 kids. The Chinese, on the other hand, have their own porn section at Sexworld, and are banned from having more than 1 kid. Translation: Freakin Hot!
So I guess the Chinese don't count. And well, neither does Cuba, because nobody there is pale. So the new thesis would be: Being a Russian Communist makes you ugly.
But Nastasia Kinski is hot. So is Anna Kournikova. Maybe it's just Russian men. And I don't know any Russian men, so there's nothing to prove me wrong.
And that is it. Communism makes Russian men ugly. Which doesn't make sense either, because if Communism made men ugly, then it would have to make the women ugly too, because Communism isn't gender specific.
So I guess the only logical conclusion left would be that getting old makes you ugly, as evidenced by old Russian women. Unless, of course, you're Joan Rivers, who happens to be American. Which I guess makes me glad to be American, because I know I'll always be able to shoot botox into my forehead before I start to look Russian. So I guess the only thing left to say is
GOD BLESS AMERICA

Bird Flu Is Total Bullshit

Ooooooooh I am incredibly pissed. Am I the only American left who can still read? Or think?
7 billion dollars is what "our" Government wants to spend on bird flu. Vaccinne, education, whatever. 7 billion dollars, because there's a pandemic on the way.
ABC News just broadcast a piece beginning with "Imagine hostipals overflowing with Americans sick with bird flu, and no way to help" blah blah.
They "estimated" 30% of Americans will get infected, and 1.9 million will die.
Pretty fucking scary.
Now lets get to reality- THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE GOING TO DIE OF BIRD FLU. And the reason I know this is because there's a country called China, with about a billion people living in it who have been battling bird flu for 3 years. Total deaths contributed to this horrid disease: (drumroll)
163. People. Not 163 million people, which given what I just heard on the news is not outside the realm of possibility, but 163.
163 out of 1 billion people. And the people who were affected got it by literally sleeping with chickens. They were farmers with tons of sick chickens in their backyard.
When bird flu spread to Eastern Europe, it was a huge story. Total deaths there- like 20.
Let me help the Government here a little bit. Because maybe they're a little confused:
BIRD FLU KILLS BIRDS, NOT PEOPLE. IF IT'S GOING TO KILL PEOPLE, CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE.
1.9 Million American birds probably will die. See, if you just change one word, it gets a lot scarier. Let's change it back. Birds will die. Not people.
The people most at risk are going to be the people exposed to birds for long periods of time. Chicken farmers, like the ones in China, Laos,and Cambodia are going to have to watch it. But we're a lot more sanitary here, and we usually don't keep them in our backyards.
For the rest of us- 163 out of a billion is not gonna get me running to my doctor for a shot. Bird Flu is bullshit. 7 Billion fucking dollars and a lot of innocent people freaking out... Fuck You Government. Go fight "terrorism" or something. Quit blowing all my fucking money on kickback crap, lies, and cronyism.
If I am wrong, then let me be the first to die. I'll even sleep in a chicken coop for a week if you want. Fucking bird flu..........Jeez.

Holy Shit I Was Right

In the interest of full disclosure, let me just say that I am a little drunk, Okay, so I have to work tomorrow, and I'm pissed because it totally ruins my Halloween, so I went and got wasted. Which is bad for two reasons: 1. My pinkie already hurts from hitting backspace so much, and 2. Do you know how hard it is to stand in the shower while wasted? God. I just want to go to bed.
But HEY!!!! Supreme Court nominee!! Whee! I asked these old dudes at the bar who it was, and they said it was Samuel Anoretfuiowhrfwuio or something. A "moderate" conservative who they said was actually more like Scalia. And I said
DAMN I'M BRILLIANT!
Which actually sucks because this gomer is going to be on the Supreme Court.
(In case you're wondering what I'm talking about, please refer to the second to last previous blog. Not the one where I hate everything, because that's not shocking to anyone. But the one before that.)
I want my 20 hot dogs in buns, with ketchup. Except not now because I might barf.
Some guy told me he was going to give packages of Ramen noodles to trick or treaters. They're on sale- 10 for a buck. I didn't have any response to that. I just laughed.
My damn costume got ruined, too. I have to get up at like 5:30, so I don't get to go out. And I wanted to be the Village People, but I don't know 5 other people willing to subject themselves to that kind of humiliation. But did that stop me? No. I'm still the Village People, damnit. So I got a construction hat with a feather, and an giant belt buckle over some leather chaps... you get the idea. Amanda was "partly cloudy with a chance of rain" so basically she's cotton balls with a squirt bottle.
Fuck Working.
So anyways, I'd better be like a politician or something. Because
I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!

Things I Hate

Yes, I know that my title isn't very creative. That's because I hate people who expect creative titles. It's just a big fuck you.
I've been pissed lately, and I figure that instead of drinking a 12 pack and getting into a bar fight, I should safely vent my anger in a constructive way. And this is what I came up with. Things I hate.

Let's start with a simple, cognitive list.
I hate:
Car commercials
Soap in bar form
Potholes
Cell phones
Electric toothbrushes
Cellophane on cigarette packs
Glow in the dark condoms
64oz refillable cups of Mountain Dew
VO5 shampoo
Cinnamon toothpaste
Wal-Mart
Car lighters
Pink shots with no booze in them
Oklahoma Sooners
Miller High Life
Cake frosting
Basketball
The skin on nacho cheese dip
Amanda's next door neighbor, Eric
The Library Lounge
Country music
Fox News
Orange juice
SUV promotions that throw in a year's worth of gas
Washing my face
Smoking cigs in 10 degree weather
Smoking cigs in 95 degree weather
HuHot Mongolian Grill
Maxi pads
The Steeler's head coach
Nascar
The free gift you get when you open a checking account
Republicans
The onion inside of onion rings
Designer sunglasses
Elmer's glue
Brown booze
Medium bags of peanut M&M's
Bruce Springsteen
Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi
And investment banking

And now a more comprehensive list:
What kind of a dumbass buys an SUV? These people are morons. Hey, let's stick it to the A-rabs and buy giant cars that use tons of gas and make the A-rabs richer!!! I hate SUV people.
I hate people that turn washing their cars into a zen experience.
I hate the dude sitting next to me telling me that smoking is bad while eating a bucket of fried chicken.
I hate MTV and I hate the people who watch it. It must take extra effort to be that stupid.
I hate dudes who wear pink. Wanna borrow my Barbies while you're at it?
Steven Segal movies should be banned. There's nothing I hate more than a Steven Segal movie. I also hate the people who watch Steven Segal movies. And the TV stations who broadcast them.
I hate the FCC. You can't show anything sexy on TV, but you can say "shit" and kill someone. If I'm going to pay 85 dollars a month for cable, then I want some sex.
I hate perfume. Paris Hilton, JLo, Brittney Spears, Michael Jordan, The Pope and Dick Cheney all have "signature scents." Well, I can tell you what they all smell like, respectively: lubricant, tacos, beer, sweat, cow dung, and antiseptic. There, I just saved you 150 bucks.
I hate cowboys who drive Hummers. I shit you not, I saw a farmer in a cowboy hat driving a Hummer. It's like George Bush releasing a rap video, or eating a ketchup milkshake. Some things just don't go together.
I hate cell phones. I know I already said this once, But my hatred runs deep. See, nobody would call me, so basically I would be spending 200 bucks a month to play snake at red lights. And I hate red lights.
And most of all, I hate you. Because nobody ever reads this damn thing, and I need approval!!! Or I'll end up hating myself. And then I'll be Ashley Simpson. And I hate her too.

Christians DO Hate Women

Let's make a little bet:
I'll bet you 20 hot dogs that the next person to be nominated for the Supreme Court will be a man. Not a woman, but a man.
I personally think this whole thing was a sham. And no, I'm not some crazy conspiracy theory dude on public access. There's just a lot of things that don't make sense to me. This whole nomination was odd, more so than I would have expected. Let me take you down my train of thought. Since my dream is to be a brilliant political mind, lets see if I can crack this code.
Okay. Harriet Miers was a block play to instill a conservative man. I always wondered why they just didn't nominate a Scalia type crazy person, instead of Harriet Miers, with her no record, no opinion. Now I look and I see that they never wanted her there at all. Karl Rove is one of the best political tactic players out there, and I just couldn't believe that he thought this was a good idea. So here's the play:
Harriet Miers comes on. A woman, with no judging background, and nothing to present a conservative (or liberal) bias. This angers the ENTIRE republican party, who join together to admonish this crappy ass choice. Harriet then blows every play she can, making her look impish and stupid. Trent Lott said she was very "inarticulate and un-opinionated." Her questionnaire was answered in the style of a high school student. Which angers the right even more, which only unites them more.
So then she withdrawals her nomination, which pleases the right. Which makes them even more united, and now, with his mice all in a row, all Bush has to do is to play the pied piper with his super conservative choice, and bam! Instant approval rating.
So now he's got his base back, but why go to all that trouble? Because they don't want a woman. After John Roberts, Bush had practically no choice but to nominate a woman. After all, Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement leaves only one woman, and the public would have been in outrage had he not replaced at least one of his nominees with a woman. But why then did he pick Harriet Miers? Why not just go with a safe, conservative woman who will appeal to Republicans and enough Democrats to get her safely through? Why go with a lost cause?
Enough distraction was created through this mess that I doubt anybody's gonna care if they nominate a man. Hell, maybe he'll even be black or something. I've heard all the news networks start clamoring about Alberto Gonzales again, along with whatever other Yahoo they can think of. But I have yet to see anybody talk about a woman nominee, and I haven't hear anything about the fact that it should still be a woman. I could never figure out why this was the best woman for the job. Now I know that she was the best person for the job, just not the obvious one.
See, I don't think they trust women with the abortion issue. Justice O'Connor was a moderate conservative, yet she always ruled against repeal. Maybe they think that the chance of a woman justice siding with another woman in an abortion case is too much risk. They want to really push the agenda, and they simply just don't trust women. I'm sure it's not that simple, but I can't think of any other reason why they are going to all this trouble.
20 hot dogs are sitting here on the table. The bet is: It's a very VERY conservative man, and all the Republicans love him, and he's passed without a hitch.
Let's hope I lose.

I Can't Wait to Be a Liberal Artist

Watching "Wheel of Fortune" yesterday, I was appalled to see the winner was this flaky chick from Wisconsin. Okay, first of all, I'm no big fan of Wisconsin people. In Minneapolis, we called them "Skaunies" because they would drive over and go 45 on the interstates. Plus, there's a huge football rivalry. But watching this chick chew gum, twirl her hair, and say that since her major is investment banking, she's gonna be an investment banker, I was inspired to give all the chicks in this generation a nice, big rant.
Okay, first of all, what is up with the clothes? I like to look nice, but I don't walk around with napkins covering my breasts. No shit- I went to a party and saw a girl wearing a pink teddy with a skirt that brushed her ass cheeks, along with pink high heeled shoes. You know the kind that you buy from Payless and dye to match your bridesmaid dress. All I could think was why? If you're a hooker, then more power to you, but it was obvious this girl was giving it up for free. Why does everybody strive to look like a hooker? You think guys won't fuck you if you're not dressed like Heidi Fleiss?
And why do you act so dumb? Unless your career goal in life is to be a Playboy Bunny, then you're probably gonna have to lose some IQ points. My experience is that most girls aren't stupid, they just act that way. So let me ask you this- what kind of guy are you going to attract by acting like your IQ is the same as your jean size?
And what's up with this designer clothing crap? If everybody's goal in life is to find a mate, do you really think the guy you marry really cares what kind of clothes you own? This designer clothing crap is simply to impress other women, and last time I checked, lesbians can't get married. So stop copying everybody else just to impress the chick in your psych class.
Let me tell you something else- shaking your ass the fastest on the dance floor is not that impressive of a talent. So strive for something a little more constructive.
I don't know how much you know about anatomy, but women are not supposed to be stick figures. And guys are idiots if they actually think that you're supposed to be a bean pole. How many guys have you dated have had chubby bellies, or bad hair, or were lacking muscles, or had too much chest hair blah blah. You forgave them for that, so what the hell makes you think that if you gain 10 pounds you'll be forever dateless? Plus, boobs are things that guys like. Try having them sometime. Things generally work out in your favor.
Quit being so damn slutty. If you like a guy, then great, take him home, but don't bang every guy who hits on you. You spend tons of money on your outfit, 3 hours shaving, tweezing, doing your hair and makeup, and all the guy has to do is spend 4 dollars on your drink and you fuck him? Make them fucking work for it for once. Imagine how great it would be if the guys were the ones who had to shop and primp for 25 hours straight just to get laid.
And quit trying to be like everyother chick out there. Talk about boring. Think about looking out at the dance floor in a bar, and EVERY guy you see looks identical to the one next to him. They're all wearing those stupid pink Polo shirts, and designer jeans with the same haircuts and Ray Bans. Whoo. Quite the choice you have there. Good luck with that.
And finally, listen to some better music. It's either 3 chord bands or rap. Both of which are genres dominated by selfish, self serving men. What's the appeal of guys who either want to kill themselves, or guys who call you a whore to your face? Yeah, I've never gotten that.

I'm a Dirty Jew

You know, I've been called many things in my time. But I've never been called a kike or anything anti-semitic. Probably because I'm not Jewish.
I am a little. My grandpa was. Or my great grandpa. One of them. And everybody in my family (but me, of course) has curly hair. And we have big noses. But I still like to identify with my Jewish counterparts. I am pretty funny. And I don't like to spend money, even though I do.
Part of the reason why I want to be a Jew is because Christians piss me off. They're so damn judgmental. The Christian Right is a group of people that this world could do without. These people make me want to carpet bomb a nativity scene. Now, I have nothing against normal Christians. So don't get all butt-hurt about this. The ones who are nice, and charitable and aren't Jew haters are okay with me. It's those damn righteous politicos that make me want to tear my hair out. So, for you, I have a couple of questions.
If the bible isn't supposed to be taken literally, what the hell is the point? Does that mean that the DMV driver's manual isn't to be taken literally, either? It is also a book of laws that we are supposed to obey. So can I run red lights now?
If Christians (and Muslims) are so butt-hurt at Jews for calling themselves "God's Chosen People," then where do you get off telling people that unless they believe what you believe, they're going to hell? Isn't that a little grandiose? Doesn't that also make you "God's Chosen People?" And then wouldn't you be a hypocrite?
And if you aren't taking the bible literally, then why do you care so much?
If Adam and Eve were the first people, then who were the people they were supposed to be shamed in front of? Why didn't they get to live in Eden? And if we are all descendents of Adam and Eve, does that mean they threw some babies over the wall?
If the Old Testament became obsolete after Jesus (because people stopped stoning people for working on the Sabbath as sanctioned by Leviticus,) then why do you always quote the OId Testament when bitching about gay people? Or can I really still get killed for wearing a poly blend?
If there's a man on a remote island who never talked to outsiders, and never had a chance to hear a missionary talk about Jesus, and he dies, does he still go to hell? It's really not his fault, but rules are rules, right?
What is up with the term "Holy War?" Explain to me the holiness about war.
What is your obsession with politics? Take school prayer for example. Now I hear Christian pundits talking about "letting the kids choose between prayer and recess..." Okay, do you know any 8 year olds who would forgo a game of dodgeball with their friends so they can pray with their teacher? And why do you expect somebody else to teach your kids morality? Are you too lazy to do it yourself? Or do you honestly not care how your kids turn out?
Do any of you actually believe that God planted dinosaur bones in the ground to confuse us into worshipping false idols?
If the kid who didn't get aborted grows up to kill somebody, and then you kill him, who wins?
Please send all replies to: Jessica Steinbergowiczman@ Pat Robertson is a fag.com
Now. Here's a story. A couple of weeks ago, I was playing poker with my friend's boyfriend and some of his friends. There was an Asian kid they called Eggroll, a Mexican named Nacho, me the dirty jew, and Amanda the Irish, so she was called Red. What is so cool is that I could call Sam "Nacho" and know that he wasn't gonna be offended. Or when Chris told me to "quit Jewing out on me" and I told him to sew me some new sneakers. There was also a redneck there, but that was just too easy. Here's the thing- we could poke fun at ourselves and out differences. We made fun of eachother not because we hated eachother, but because we liked eachother. Now, if everybody else could just quit taking themselves so damn seriously, maybe we could move forward as a people. But no, it's all about judging people, and I'm right and you're wrong and red state blue state. My advice to you Christian people is to get the hell over yourselves. A book that is only half true is not the basis for you always being right.
One more thing. I was raised Catholic. I was communed, confirmed, and I believe in God and I think Jesus was a pretty sweet dude. But I'm still a dirty Jew :)

Men Piss Me Off

You know, when I started this blog, I told myself that I wouldn't write a lick about me, or my life, or my problems. It's my own little way of mocking you morons who do keep an "online diary." In the interest of being honest here, let me tell you people a little secret: Nobody cares about your life.
But I have decided that since this is also a safe place for me to bitch about shit that pisses me off, I can in certain circumstances, bring my life into play, make it "fair game" so to speak.
Because I am so fucking pissed off at men. So fucking pissed off. You guys hear that? Fuck you and your chest hair.
Here's the thing. I attract crazy people. Anybody who knows me will agree, when it comes to men, I usually bring about the crazies. It's always depressed crazy, too. Like 24 hour suicide watch crazy. Which brings me to why I am so fucking pissed.
Do I look like a psychiatrist to you? What makes you think I want to know that in 3rd grade, your dog died and you were traumatized for life and it still hurts and I've only know you for 3 hours? Or am I supposed to help you resolve your ex girlfriend issues when you put up a shrine to her in your living room? Or if your wife left you, and you're still depressed about it, why even ask me out in the first place? Like I said: what makes you think I have a PHD in men psychology?
Jesus, if I get one more depressed, obsessive, traumatized, drug addicted, or suicidal man in my life I'm going to go post office style and take out a sports bar.
Now I know that everybody has issues, and if you can't tell that I have pretty big issues, then you're an idiot. But c'mon, I'm not out there flinging myself at men going "make me feel better!" And even if I were, so what? I'm not a MAN. Which is another reason I'm pissed- why do I attract these pussies? And they're all fucking short, which makes me taller than them, and they're skin and bones, which makes me fatter than them. There has got to be somebody more man than I am out there. Jesus Christ I'm about to turn lesbian here.
Fucking men.
I seem to be going on a lot of first dates lately, and that's just frustrating as hell. Seems after these guys dump all their problems in my lap they stop calling. Maybe there's like a secret man website where they advertise me for free. "Free therapy! Just take her out and get her drunk!"
You fuckers are just giant ass pussies. Okay, that's mean. As your therapist, I am inclined to be on your side. My advise to you is to GET THE HELL OVER IT AND ACT LIKE MEN FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKE.
And I am done.

How To Party In Nebraska

For those of you who have never been here, I would like to extend a warm welcome to America's heartland. We are the middle of our country, which makes us important. That soy latte you're drinking was provided by us, and that yummy burger you ate came from our cows, after the pot you smoked that traveled on our interstate. Yes, without us, you couldn't be a dirty hippie vegan pothead, or a red meat wolfing meth freak. And even now, with everything we've done, I'll be generous enough to give you little tid bits on fitting in with the locals. We're nice here in the cornfields.
First thing to remember is that we don't drink foo foo here. No cosmopolitans, or dainty little things with umbrellas in them. If you're going to drink, then you have to either drink Busch Light or straight liquor.
Yes, the capitol does look like a giant penis, and will continue to look more and more phallic as the evening goes on.
If you're looking for a nice Irish Pub, then look no further. We've got a great, traditional Irish Pub serving only the finest Ales in pint glasses. There's also a giant dance floor with laser lights and cages for scantily clad women to dance in. The real Irish Pubs ain't got shit on us!
If you break a bar window with you're head, a good course of action would be to NOT pour booze on your head as an antiseptic. The best thing to do is to run.
But don't run from cops in cornfields. You'll end up naked in a ravine with a broken tailbone. Side note- cornstalks chafe. Badly. Really try to keep your clothes on.
The guy playing the washboard will not hurt you. He just thinks his washboard is a musical instrument. Give him a quarter, but if you tell him the washboard should be used to wash his yucky clothes, then you have to give him a dollar.
Do not drive a Honda Civic through Wilderness Park. You'll only get stuck between two trees, and blow two cylinders trying to get out.
When you get pulled over for your third DUI, guys, try to remember that eating the urinal cake in detox will NOT help you pass a breathalyzer.
When the cops have you in the back of their squadcar, try not to smile while they take a picture of you and your half empty bottle of vodka. It's bad press.
It is possible to burn down a cornfield by throwing a cigarette butt into it. But never forget that burning is a natural part of nature. Or whatever.
Climbing trees while drunk will only result in a head injury.
Lighting your clothes on fire in the bar parking lot is generally looked down upon, unless you can blame it on the guy standing next to you.
Bratwurst is only yummy when you're wasted.
Baloney will take the paint off a car.
And finally, when you're driving down a dirt road drunk, keep in mind that deer splatter when you hit them. And damage your car and possibly kill you.
So come to America's heartland, the premier suburb in a cornfield. We'd love to get you drunk and do unspeakable things to you! (No, the sink is not a toilet, and sharpie marker does not come off!)

Generation IPod Part Deux

I haven't broached the subject of my favorite fuck up generation in a while, so let me please digress- I tried. I really did. I figured maybe I was being unfair, I thought maybe not everyone is a helmet wielding retard. And I did pretty well. Until Friday.
See, I don't watch MTV. The only way anybody could ever get me to watch it would be to pin my eyes open and tie me to a chair in a Clockwork Orange fashion. But I have a friend who does, and she told me a whopper that still has my head whirling.
There's a show called "Made." Maybe you've heard of it- people (mostly girls) go under the knife so they can look like their favorite celebrities. They also get new clothes, new hair, and training to be as similar as you can get. For example, if you wanted to be Serena Williams, you would get her hairstyle, her clothes and makeup, and train at tennis. You also can get plastic surgery, which is the part that whigs me the most.
So there's this girl, and she's been living with this guy for 2 years. She is absolutely gorgeous. The guy she's been living with won't officially date her because she doesn't look like Carmen Electra. She "isn't perfect yet" (His words.)
And instead of telling this.........this, this dude I have no words for to go fuck himself what does she do?
She decides to become Carmen Electra. So she has plastic surgery on her already beautiful face, and liposuctions the non-existent fat out of her thighs.
And now the guy will date her, saying "she's finally perfect!"
Happily ever after.
Okay, I've said it once, and I will say it again:
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MORONS!!!!!
Does anybody else see the problem with this? And who are you idiots who watch this shit enough to keep it on the air?
I'm normally all about the free speech. But this is simply ridiculous. I just want to say that it will not be the violent video games, or the sex in movies and TV that will ruin the generation, it will be shit like this. A TV show that advocates to young girls not only that you are not good enough, but that the guy you want doesn't think you are good enough either. Don't you think we chicks have enough problems already?
This is just going to fuck some minds up in a serious way. Who lets their kids watch this crap? And who the hell came up with it? Let's do a show where we change kids into mini celebrity look-a-likes, sometimes permanently, and for what? So we can teach them that the only thing that matters is how you look? Did a woman come up with this? I hate to think that, but guys just aren't that smart by nature. I oughta track this woman down and lipo her brain. What the fuck are you thinking?
That episode just shocked the hell out of me. It still does, because what kind of self esteem would it take to do that to yourself simply so the guy you like will finally date you? What kind of self esteem does it take to watch that show and silently agree with what happened? It's unbelievable to me, because we would never see a show where a guy gets surgery to look like Orlando Bloom simply because his girlfriend doesn't think he's "perfect." This, to me, exposes serious flaws in the way we are looking at things. What's important to us? The clothes we wear and the things we own and the way we all look? Is that really all we're going on here? Because if we are, then I need a new generation.

The Games People Play

So I have a buddy who is into gaming, and he wants to design video games for a living. Which is totally cool because sitting on your ass playing games would probably be a great career move. And, because I am such a kick ass friend, I have decided to offer my services as super good idea giver. So here, my friend, is a list of games that I think you should create and distribute to the masses.

"Photosynthesis Extreme" In this game, you would be a tree, and the objective is to grow. The opportunities for upgrading would be great because it takes 20 to 30 years to beat.

"Call of Dooty" Here, you are a plumber who has to unclog septic systems. Your foes are E coli and crusty wads of TP.

"Who wants to be MC Hammer?" Try to spend every dime you have on stupid crap, then shorten your name and do infomercials. The first one to survive on nothing but dog food and ramen noodles wins.

"Minesweeper part deux" Kind of like the original except instead of diffusing land mines, you're strip mining Utah. Extra points for missing and blowing up Mormons.

"Die like Nikki Sixx" Your objective is to suck up drugs like a Hoover Vacuum. You only win if you come back to life, though.

"Dave Matthews Tour Bus Champions" Drive your tour bus over unsuspecting victims and drop human waste on them.

"President Bush Cabinet Meeting Simulator" Color the prettiest picture, but remember to stay in the lines! Bonus if your picture makes the fridge.

"FaceOff!! Michael Moore vs. Rush Limbaugh Lunch Meat Edition" Simulated contest to see who can eat the most hot dogs. Bonuses for gastric bypass surgery and oxycontin addiction. Watch out for those pesky vegetables!!

"Holy Wars: The game of a loving Lord" Isolate a certain group then pray for them. If you pray hard enough, you can either send them to hell for being Godless Infidels, or you can change them into clones in God's Army. The army then blows the Jews off the face of the Earth. Or the Muslims. Your choice!!!!

"The Sandlot" Be the first to count all the grains of sand on the beach. If the tide comes in, you have to start over.

I think this should be sufficient to jumpstart his career in a serious way. Just my little way of saying "I'm here for you buddy!!!"

Christians Are Supposed to Hate Women

Lets read from scripture, shall we?

Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach or to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed and then Eve, and Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression...(I Timothy 2:11-14)

For the man is not of the woman, but the woman is of the man. Let the woman keep silence in the churches, for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, so saith the law. And if they learn anything, let them ask their husbancd at home; for it is a shame for women to speak in the church. (I Corinthians 11:3, 7, 9)

Almost makes me want to go to church, how about you?

They've come a long way since Hitler

Apparently, Germany's got a woman Chancellor. So let me just say-
THAT IS SO FUCKING SWEET!
I haven't read a word of anything about it, I just heard it from a friend. Maybe I'll get off my lazy ass and go read the newspaper, but I honestly don't see that happening. My chair is ergonomic :)
Being both German and Jewish (and French, what an anomaly- I'm a bitch who hates myself.) I have to say I'm quite proud of the home country. A woman. The only other country I can think of with a woman in the hot seat is the Phillipines, and she's in a heap of trouble right now.
So I guess my question is how could Germany elect a woman before us? I mean, they're all dark, goth, and Godless, and here we are all light and sunshine and God-happy. Shouldn't we be the ones to give up our reservations and do something meaningful?
Germans are pretty gung-ho about Government, though. When I lived in Minneapolis, I became friends with a German named Christian. He used to work for the German Government before he came here to go to school and get married. He said that in Germany, if you lost your job, you would never lose your house, your insurance, your means of living. The Gov. would help a brother out, while helping you find a new job. The problem, of course was the Gov never had any money, because all of it was spent on people. He also said the Gov was lightyears behind, although I don't know quite what he meant. But you know those Germans. They could engineer a steam train into a personal manicurist, so I have no worries about the Government.
So go Germany you GroBer Zuhalter. You're making us German/Jewish/French/American girls proud.

Bush Blames Senate For Being a Tool

Apparently, being a judge isn't a prerequisite for being a judge.
President Bush made a bold move by listening to Congress for the first time last week. He says that in the historic listening action, one of the ideas he heard was to nominate a Supreme Court Justice with no prior judicial experience.
Now call me crazy, but oh, I don't know, maybe a little experience would be helpful seeing as how it's the SUPREME COURT. It's the same as promoting me to CEO of Budweiser because I can hold my liquor.
While I have my doubts about the Senate being the ones to villify this obviously over-qualified choice, I do have to wonder why he picked her in the first place. I mean, why didn't he pick some Scalia type crazy person? It's not like they wouldn't have been confirmed. Karl Rove and the Political Sham Band aren't around just to look pretty. (ain't that the truth.) This administration usually has no trouble getting what they want. Why nominate this woman with no record of her views? Maybe she is a Scalia type crazy person, and they're keeping it secret. But the right is so pissed that she has no judicial record that they're threatening to block the nomination.
So I guess since nobody can figure out what she's about from her prior judging, we'll have to use the time-tested method of makeup application to figure out what she's all about. Gays have been using this method for centuries, and it seems to work. I've never been hit on by a lesbian before.
So okay. Everybody grab your Harriet Miers pics and lets go at it.
First thing I notice is the lack of technique. Almost looks like she just put makeup on for the first time yesterday. Also notice how the blush on her cheeks is pronounced. Nobody taught this woman the fine art of blending. Her hair seems to have the quality of a helmet, which means either it's a wig, or she had Aqua Net for breakfast. Now the lips and the shape of the chin, it's very masculine looking.............holy shit Harriet Miers iS A MAN!!!!! She's a man dressed in woman's clothing!! Ah, now it all makes sense. It's Pat Robertson in drag!
What would everybody do if it wasn't for me and my awesome powers of deduction? You totally owe me like 25 hot dogs for this one.

The Unicameral Offense

This is an official appeal to everybody residing in a state that is not Nebraska:
Can I come live with you?
See, here's the deal. Tom Osbourne is running for Govenor. And everybody will vote for him. Which will make him the Govenor. Which will make me have to move.
In case you're unaware of who Tom Osbourne is, he's the US House Representative from the Nebraska 2nd, which is Lincoln and Lancaster County. He's also the old football coach who was only elected 2 terms ago.
Yes, we love our football here. Tom Osbourne led us to 3 National Championships, so we named a field after him. And elected him to Congress. The problem with this is that he's the Charlie McCarthy to the Republican Edgar Bergen. He's a puppet! This dude, in his 4 years in the house, has never sponsored his own bill, and never has voted outside his party, not even once. He can't speak, he can't think, he's not inspired. He thinks recesses are "timeouts," and passing a bill is referred to as a "touchdown."
He hasn't done a damn thing for us since we sent him there, and now he's polling 12 points ahead for the Governorship.

Here's what life will be when Tom Osbourne graces the Unicameral with his presence:
Every time a bill is passed, the winning side must pat eachother's asses in celebration
Gatorade will be poured on the Speaker's head at the end of all floor meetings
The Rotunda will now contain press boxes, skybox seats, and a giant instant replay screen
Democrats will be banned from calling audibles during a floor fight.
The house floor will now be called "Tom Osbourne Floor Field"
All Senators will be required to wear bulky headsets
Yellow flags will be the hankerchiefs of choice
Ernie Chambers will be fouled for delay of game
The traditional business attire will be replaced with track suits and running shorts
The Nebraska state flag will be replaced with Herbie Husker strangling a Seminole Indian

I would like to know when and where you want me to go when this occurs. Please let me know. This man wants to ban tailgaiting before games. You can pry my beer and bratwurst from my cold, dead hands you puppet. This state will enter the seventh circle of hell with this man, and that's saying something. I think Nebraska's already in the sixth circle. So America, help a brother find a home. Thank you.

Delay Of Game

TOM DELAY GOT INDICTED!!!!!!!!
I'm hosting a celebration party this weekend. I'm having it at Trent Lott's well, lot. RSVP to Bill Frist who, incidentally, will also be part of the festivies
I knew it was only a matter of time before one of these fucks got caught with a hand up a skirt.
Also: Scooter Libby is the dude who leaked. And I don't mean his depends. That kind of pisses me off because now it's Dick Cheney and not Karl Rove who will be investigated. I love Karl Rove about as much as I love a Coca Cola enema.
Dick Cheney is high on my list of people who asses I would like to kick, though.

ASSES I WOULD LIKE TO KICK:

1: Hillary Duff
2: Dick Cheney
3: Barbara Bush (the old one)
4: Bill O'Reilly
5: Michael Brown
6: Jessica Simpson
7: Her whiny little sister
8: Al Franken
9: The old dude from Green Acres
10: Congress (over my knee using one of the paddles with the holes in them)
11: The entire city of Wichita, Kansas
12: Master P


Do you think its wrong to get so much pleasure from someone going down?
Wait, don't answer that.
All I can say is it's about damn time someone fucked up. My only hope is that American's memories will last long enough to kick these ass faces out next year. Cuz let's face it, we're pretty dumb sometimes.
So anyway, for the party I'll be hosting, it's BYOB, but the Hors D' Oeuvres are on me. I'll be serving a Delayered Cake, Campaign Puffs, and Hammer Rolls. Frist Fritters will cost a dollar.

Rebel Without Underwear

I've quit wearing underwear. No particular reason why. Just woke up one morning and decided to exert my underwear independence.
It's pretty great. I enjoy not wearing underwear. I think its the fact that it's my own dirty little secret. Nobody knows that I'm boycotting my underwear. I've also come to realize that underwear is truly a pain in the ass. I am 100 percent more comfortable now.
So if you see me on the street, beware! I'm going commando.

Young Republicans Are Morons

I'm sure someone will take offense to the title. Consider that payback for all the times I get called an idealist, or elitist, or feminist, and what the fuck is it with you people and the suffix "ist"? You can't do that to the English language.
See, what I don't get is what the hell made you decide to be a 20 something Republican. I mean, first of all, Republicans are usually old, and well, men. God, they're old men! All of them. Watch C-Span for 20 minutes, and you'll see what I mean. When did college students start identifying with people who still watch The Lawrence Welk Show? Or there's Ann Coulter. Why would anybody aspire to be a curtains-don't-match-the-drapes-ghostly-pale-big-mouthed-bad-makeup-bigoted-racist-gasbag of a uber bitch? This woman couldn't even find anything nice to say about Jesus, let alone real people.
(She's also a great poster child for abortion rights. If that hag ever got knocked up, it should be a Constitutional obligation to make sure her spawn never walk this Earth.)
Oh, whine from the Republicans. What, I can't talk shit about someone so dear to your camp? Does that make me somehow LESS than you? Well, then I have two words: HILLARY CLINTON. Yeah, that's right. Shut the fuck up.
Everybody knows Chruchill's famous quote: "If you're not liberal when you're twenty, then you have no heart. If you're not conservative when you're 40, then you have no head." Truer words have never been spoken. Look at our parents. They were all "FUCK THE GOVERNMENT" when they were our age, and now they're running the damn place. You know Churchill, he helped save the world and all, he must have been some kind of idiot. Because I look around, and kids have just kind of skipped over the first part of that sentence.
I read that some 9 year old girl went to meet Barbara Bush wearing a red dress with elephants stuck all over it, and when Mrs. Bush asked why she was wearing that, the girl proclaimed: "I'm a Republican!" What the fuck? Does a 9 year old even know what the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is? For that matter, does anyone anymore? I know these Young Republican Fuckheads don't. They really must think that we're all a bunch of God-hating, freedom-hating, anti-values, anti-life, Al Qaeda-loving, gay-faggot America haters. Our case is simple: we Democrats stand for absolute freedom, and our view simply states that nobody is going to like every thing that's free. If you're against gay marriage, then don't marry a gay person. It's simple like that. You may not like it, but everybody is free to live their lives. How does that make us America haters? Or elitist? Or whatever the hell else you call us?
And how could a bunch of 20 year olds, who for the first time are away from their parents and on their own, still continue to look at it from an absolutist point of view? Why aren't they out experiencing things? Trying new things? Accepting new things? Why do you think we're supposed to be liberals? We're supposed to be learning about eachother and the world. But it seems nobody's interested anymore.
I'm gonna try this one out: Democrats ruined college. Sorry, but we did. All that PC crap really did a number on our colleges. In New Hampshire, they're so afraid of offending people, that it is a punishable offense to say something offensive within earshot of another person. I could be fighting with one of my (soon to be ex) friends, say something out of spite or anger, and wind up on probation. Yes, us Dems brought in the Politeness Police, thereby shooting ourselves in the First Amendment foot. Freedom of Speech on college campuses is a joke nowadays. And for that, we were wrong. But you know, being Democrats entitles us a certain amount of gravitas, so I can put that out there and be okay with it. We made mistakes. We'll fix then and move on.
Young Republicans are morons. They are, and I want them to wake the fuck up. We should really get into why you should never trust ANY government. Because that's what Young Republicans do. They just trust that everything will be okey dokey without them ever lifting a hand to help.
Yeah, we'll see about that.