I'm Rootin for the Horned Frogs

Actually, I'm not rooting for them. I watched the TCU Horned Frogs vs. The Iowa State Cyclones in the Houston Bowl, and while I'm no big fan of Iowa, it is right next door, so hey, go neighbor. But in my fan frenzy, I had an epiphany- if a frog came across a cyclone in real life, who do you think would win? And so began my trek across the utter ridiculousness that is the college sport nickname.
A while ago, my hockey obsessed friend was watching a NHL game between the Devils and the Penguins. And I looked at him incredulously- "Who do you think is going to win? How in the hell could a penguin defeat the devil? I haven't even seen that in comic books." To which he rolled his eyes, but I think I have a valid point- the names of teams should be at least halfway menacing, or else who would take you seriously? (Devils won.)
So I began looking into the names of college teams, because unless you live in the Midwest, nobody takes them seriously. And I'm beginning to understand why there are so many college dropouts in this country.
Take for instance, the University of California at Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. Now, I have no idea exactly what a Banana Slug looks like, or what it does, but it certainly doesn't sound scary. I'm pretty sure I could take on a banana slug. Another of my favorites: the Endicott College Power Gulls. What the shit is a Power Gull? A seagull with a machine gun?
Some just don't make sense at all to me- like the Vassar College Anchormen. Are Miles O'Brien and Wolf Blitzer in the Alumni Association? I'll bet there's a jazz flute section in the band. And a personal favorite- the Rhode Island School of Design Nads. Not Power Nads, or Big Nads, just Nads. Maybe the writers of Beavis and Butthead graduated from there.
Georgia seems to have a distinct array of stupid names. For example: the Georgia Technical Institute Ramblin Wrecks, and the Life University of Georgia Running Eagles. For the record, Eagles fly, and I'm not very afraid of my old car coming after me.
Here's the matchup of the century- Arkansas Tech. Wonder Boys vs. the Heidelberg College Student Princes. It's on after Queer Eye For the Straight Guy.
Part of the problem is that these names aren't scary enough. It's hard to summon pride and spirit for teams named after animals so low on the food chain even we don't eat them. Like the University of California at Irvine Anteaters. Go anteaters? Dude, they're gross. They eat bugs. And the University of Alaska at Monticello Boll Weevils? Dude, those are bugs!
Some are just strange. New Jersey State College Goth Knights. Makes me want to hide my black hair dye and nail polish. These kids were scary in high school, sure, but it's just a phase, right?
Or there's the Trinity Christian College Trolls. Christian Trolls are scary only because if it's the next Shrek movie, I might have to see it.
But there is a ray of hope- Say hello to the California State Long Beach Dirtbags! Now that's a team I can get behind. Met more than a few in my lifetime.
I guess I'm just gonna have to get over it. There's so many college teams that maybe they simply ran out of names. And I guess I can't really say too much, because I am a Cornhusker. But before you say anything, asshole, husking corn is hard. It's hot and your hands bleed. And the people who do it are crazy. Psychopathic crazy. So don't fuck with us. We're scary, damnit.
And the next time the Jamestown Jimmies fight the St. John's Johnnies, I'll be watching golf.
Go Camels!