How To Party In Nebraska

For those of you who have never been here, I would like to extend a warm welcome to America's heartland. We are the middle of our country, which makes us important. That soy latte you're drinking was provided by us, and that yummy burger you ate came from our cows, after the pot you smoked that traveled on our interstate. Yes, without us, you couldn't be a dirty hippie vegan pothead, or a red meat wolfing meth freak. And even now, with everything we've done, I'll be generous enough to give you little tid bits on fitting in with the locals. We're nice here in the cornfields.
First thing to remember is that we don't drink foo foo here. No cosmopolitans, or dainty little things with umbrellas in them. If you're going to drink, then you have to either drink Busch Light or straight liquor.
Yes, the capitol does look like a giant penis, and will continue to look more and more phallic as the evening goes on.
If you're looking for a nice Irish Pub, then look no further. We've got a great, traditional Irish Pub serving only the finest Ales in pint glasses. There's also a giant dance floor with laser lights and cages for scantily clad women to dance in. The real Irish Pubs ain't got shit on us!
If you break a bar window with you're head, a good course of action would be to NOT pour booze on your head as an antiseptic. The best thing to do is to run.
But don't run from cops in cornfields. You'll end up naked in a ravine with a broken tailbone. Side note- cornstalks chafe. Badly. Really try to keep your clothes on.
The guy playing the washboard will not hurt you. He just thinks his washboard is a musical instrument. Give him a quarter, but if you tell him the washboard should be used to wash his yucky clothes, then you have to give him a dollar.
Do not drive a Honda Civic through Wilderness Park. You'll only get stuck between two trees, and blow two cylinders trying to get out.
When you get pulled over for your third DUI, guys, try to remember that eating the urinal cake in detox will NOT help you pass a breathalyzer.
When the cops have you in the back of their squadcar, try not to smile while they take a picture of you and your half empty bottle of vodka. It's bad press.
It is possible to burn down a cornfield by throwing a cigarette butt into it. But never forget that burning is a natural part of nature. Or whatever.
Climbing trees while drunk will only result in a head injury.
Lighting your clothes on fire in the bar parking lot is generally looked down upon, unless you can blame it on the guy standing next to you.
Bratwurst is only yummy when you're wasted.
Baloney will take the paint off a car.
And finally, when you're driving down a dirt road drunk, keep in mind that deer splatter when you hit them. And damage your car and possibly kill you.
So come to America's heartland, the premier suburb in a cornfield. We'd love to get you drunk and do unspeakable things to you! (No, the sink is not a toilet, and sharpie marker does not come off!)