So the Golden Globes are on. And I, for one, can not imagine a bigger waste of my time being broadcast on TV since the presidential debates. I just switched it on a while ago, during the "Best Foreign Language Film" Award. Some dude from Palenstine won, and in broken English, grabbed the mike and proclaimed Palestine's right for a free state, oblivious to the fact that he was standing in front of 500 Jews. Oops.
I hate this crap because it's just a bunch of celebrities kissing eachother's asses in 500 thousand dollar gowns. I'm a VH1 junkie, sure, but at least on VH1 I can laugh at them. Here, we're expected to take them seriously. How do you take someone who spends hours applauding a gay cowboy movie seriously?
And they expect all these awards for doing something that gets normal people into trouble- pretending to be something they aren't. Last time I pretended I was a superhero, I wound up on Xanax. And as far as I'm concerned, if you can get me to sit through a 2 and a half hour movie without wishing I could blow my face off, then you got your award.
Here's the breakdown on the biggest movies of the year:
Giant monkey takes over town
Gay cowboys actually exist
We still have an asian porn obsession
Math is only interesting if Gwyneth Paltrow's around
Harry Potter needs to get laid
Virgins are (erm,) interesting
Crazy people love chocolate
I wonder if the 60 bucks I spent on movies tickets, popcorn, and soda help pay for the acceptance speechwriters that do such an awesomely interesting job.
If I wanted to watch such a display of shameless self promotion and bravado, I'd watch C-Span. Or rap videos. I think I'll stick to watching shows where celebrities fall down and get caught in compromising affairs. At least I can relate to that.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Herpes Is Too Much Info
One of the funnier aspects of my job is the random phone calls I receive. I work at Lincare, a home oxygen and respiratory company. There's also a place in Lincoln called "LincCare," which is an urgent care clinic. People call me all the time looking for LincCare, and I tell them that they have the wrong place. But on more than one occasion, people feel they have to tell me what their problem is.
For example, I get a phone call: "I think I have gonorrhea, do you test for that?" And I've gotten a call about syphilis, which worries me because I'm waiting for the day that someone I've slept with calls looking for a AIDS test.
Some girl called and asked, "It burns when I pee, do you think I'm pregnant?" To which I told her she was an idiot with a urinary tract infection, and that anal sex, which will give you a UTI, will not get you pregnant.
Another one of my favorites is the fat people who call looking for giant toilet seats. Back in the day, we were a medical supply company who actually carried jumbo toilet seats, and thank God we don't anymore. But I still get calls for things like toilet seats, bedpans, catheters, and colonstomy bags. Eiw. Nothing makes a day go good like the vision of a fat guy on a jumbo toilet seat using a catheter.
I also get faxes from hospitals letting me know when one of our patients is admitted. One of them was for a patient named Beverly Orstrander, and her admitting DX was Bowel Obstruction. Written right there on the fax- bowel obstruction. Why would someone who provides her with breathing medication care that she can't take a dump? Makes me scared for the day I show up with carpal tunnel from masturbating too much. Who else is going to know that I can't keep my hands off myself?
The medical field is not something I'm going to delve into much further. The day I have to "loosen a stool" is the day I'm going to loosen my lunch. As for all the kids who call with an itchy case of crabs, maybe you should keep that info to yourself. After all, you wouldn't want some asshole to tell everyone, would you?
For example, I get a phone call: "I think I have gonorrhea, do you test for that?" And I've gotten a call about syphilis, which worries me because I'm waiting for the day that someone I've slept with calls looking for a AIDS test.
Some girl called and asked, "It burns when I pee, do you think I'm pregnant?" To which I told her she was an idiot with a urinary tract infection, and that anal sex, which will give you a UTI, will not get you pregnant.
Another one of my favorites is the fat people who call looking for giant toilet seats. Back in the day, we were a medical supply company who actually carried jumbo toilet seats, and thank God we don't anymore. But I still get calls for things like toilet seats, bedpans, catheters, and colonstomy bags. Eiw. Nothing makes a day go good like the vision of a fat guy on a jumbo toilet seat using a catheter.
I also get faxes from hospitals letting me know when one of our patients is admitted. One of them was for a patient named Beverly Orstrander, and her admitting DX was Bowel Obstruction. Written right there on the fax- bowel obstruction. Why would someone who provides her with breathing medication care that she can't take a dump? Makes me scared for the day I show up with carpal tunnel from masturbating too much. Who else is going to know that I can't keep my hands off myself?
The medical field is not something I'm going to delve into much further. The day I have to "loosen a stool" is the day I'm going to loosen my lunch. As for all the kids who call with an itchy case of crabs, maybe you should keep that info to yourself. After all, you wouldn't want some asshole to tell everyone, would you?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Family Finds Raw Meat Instead Of iPod Inside Sealed Box
A 14-year-old girl who received a new Apple iPod opened the sealed box and found raw mystery meat inside, according to a Local 6 News report.
Rachel Cambra purchased a new high-tech iPod for her daughter as a gift this week.
When she opened the sealed box, the device was missing and in its place was a piece of raw meat, the report said.
Cambra said the box was sealed and that it didn't appear to have been tampered with when she brought it home from the Honolulu Wal-Mart where she works.
An investigation found that a former employee apparently tampered with a shipment of iPods and put the meat into several packages.
The former employee now faces tampering charges, Local 6 News reported.
The Wal-Mart where the device was purchased from promised to give the family a new iPod from the next shipment the store receives.
Copyright 2005 by Internet Broadcasting Systems and Local6.com.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sucker!!
A 14-year-old girl who received a new Apple iPod opened the sealed box and found raw mystery meat inside, according to a Local 6 News report.
Rachel Cambra purchased a new high-tech iPod for her daughter as a gift this week.
When she opened the sealed box, the device was missing and in its place was a piece of raw meat, the report said.
Cambra said the box was sealed and that it didn't appear to have been tampered with when she brought it home from the Honolulu Wal-Mart where she works.
An investigation found that a former employee apparently tampered with a shipment of iPods and put the meat into several packages.
The former employee now faces tampering charges, Local 6 News reported.
The Wal-Mart where the device was purchased from promised to give the family a new iPod from the next shipment the store receives.
Copyright 2005 by Internet Broadcasting Systems and Local6.com.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sucker!!
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