The Unicameral Offense

This is an official appeal to everybody residing in a state that is not Nebraska:
Can I come live with you?
See, here's the deal. Tom Osbourne is running for Govenor. And everybody will vote for him. Which will make him the Govenor. Which will make me have to move.
In case you're unaware of who Tom Osbourne is, he's the US House Representative from the Nebraska 2nd, which is Lincoln and Lancaster County. He's also the old football coach who was only elected 2 terms ago.
Yes, we love our football here. Tom Osbourne led us to 3 National Championships, so we named a field after him. And elected him to Congress. The problem with this is that he's the Charlie McCarthy to the Republican Edgar Bergen. He's a puppet! This dude, in his 4 years in the house, has never sponsored his own bill, and never has voted outside his party, not even once. He can't speak, he can't think, he's not inspired. He thinks recesses are "timeouts," and passing a bill is referred to as a "touchdown."
He hasn't done a damn thing for us since we sent him there, and now he's polling 12 points ahead for the Governorship.

Here's what life will be when Tom Osbourne graces the Unicameral with his presence:
Every time a bill is passed, the winning side must pat eachother's asses in celebration
Gatorade will be poured on the Speaker's head at the end of all floor meetings
The Rotunda will now contain press boxes, skybox seats, and a giant instant replay screen
Democrats will be banned from calling audibles during a floor fight.
The house floor will now be called "Tom Osbourne Floor Field"
All Senators will be required to wear bulky headsets
Yellow flags will be the hankerchiefs of choice
Ernie Chambers will be fouled for delay of game
The traditional business attire will be replaced with track suits and running shorts
The Nebraska state flag will be replaced with Herbie Husker strangling a Seminole Indian

I would like to know when and where you want me to go when this occurs. Please let me know. This man wants to ban tailgaiting before games. You can pry my beer and bratwurst from my cold, dead hands you puppet. This state will enter the seventh circle of hell with this man, and that's saying something. I think Nebraska's already in the sixth circle. So America, help a brother find a home. Thank you.

Delay Of Game

TOM DELAY GOT INDICTED!!!!!!!!
I'm hosting a celebration party this weekend. I'm having it at Trent Lott's well, lot. RSVP to Bill Frist who, incidentally, will also be part of the festivies
I knew it was only a matter of time before one of these fucks got caught with a hand up a skirt.
Also: Scooter Libby is the dude who leaked. And I don't mean his depends. That kind of pisses me off because now it's Dick Cheney and not Karl Rove who will be investigated. I love Karl Rove about as much as I love a Coca Cola enema.
Dick Cheney is high on my list of people who asses I would like to kick, though.

ASSES I WOULD LIKE TO KICK:

1: Hillary Duff
2: Dick Cheney
3: Barbara Bush (the old one)
4: Bill O'Reilly
5: Michael Brown
6: Jessica Simpson
7: Her whiny little sister
8: Al Franken
9: The old dude from Green Acres
10: Congress (over my knee using one of the paddles with the holes in them)
11: The entire city of Wichita, Kansas
12: Master P


Do you think its wrong to get so much pleasure from someone going down?
Wait, don't answer that.
All I can say is it's about damn time someone fucked up. My only hope is that American's memories will last long enough to kick these ass faces out next year. Cuz let's face it, we're pretty dumb sometimes.
So anyway, for the party I'll be hosting, it's BYOB, but the Hors D' Oeuvres are on me. I'll be serving a Delayered Cake, Campaign Puffs, and Hammer Rolls. Frist Fritters will cost a dollar.