This is an official appeal to everybody residing in a state that is not Nebraska:
Can I come live with you?
See, here's the deal. Tom Osbourne is running for Govenor. And everybody will vote for him. Which will make him the Govenor. Which will make me have to move.
In case you're unaware of who Tom Osbourne is, he's the US House Representative from the Nebraska 2nd, which is Lincoln and Lancaster County. He's also the old football coach who was only elected 2 terms ago.
Yes, we love our football here. Tom Osbourne led us to 3 National Championships, so we named a field after him. And elected him to Congress. The problem with this is that he's the Charlie McCarthy to the Republican Edgar Bergen. He's a puppet! This dude, in his 4 years in the house, has never sponsored his own bill, and never has voted outside his party, not even once. He can't speak, he can't think, he's not inspired. He thinks recesses are "timeouts," and passing a bill is referred to as a "touchdown."
He hasn't done a damn thing for us since we sent him there, and now he's polling 12 points ahead for the Governorship.
Here's what life will be when Tom Osbourne graces the Unicameral with his presence:
Every time a bill is passed, the winning side must pat eachother's asses in celebration
Gatorade will be poured on the Speaker's head at the end of all floor meetings
The Rotunda will now contain press boxes, skybox seats, and a giant instant replay screen
Democrats will be banned from calling audibles during a floor fight.
The house floor will now be called "Tom Osbourne Floor Field"
All Senators will be required to wear bulky headsets
Yellow flags will be the hankerchiefs of choice
Ernie Chambers will be fouled for delay of game
The traditional business attire will be replaced with track suits and running shorts
The Nebraska state flag will be replaced with Herbie Husker strangling a Seminole Indian
I would like to know when and where you want me to go when this occurs. Please let me know. This man wants to ban tailgaiting before games. You can pry my beer and bratwurst from my cold, dead hands you puppet. This state will enter the seventh circle of hell with this man, and that's saying something. I think Nebraska's already in the sixth circle. So America, help a brother find a home. Thank you.
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1 comment:
I'd invite you up here to Massachusetts. But even here it's far from perfect. Somehow this "bastion of liberalism" elected a republican governor who likes to bash us when he travels out of state (they say it's part of his strategy for a presidential run in 2008). What the hell kind of governor rags on his own state? Anyway, look at it this way: at least you don't live in Ohio--man, talk about a corrupt state!
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