I'm a Dirty Jew

You know, I've been called many things in my time. But I've never been called a kike or anything anti-semitic. Probably because I'm not Jewish.
I am a little. My grandpa was. Or my great grandpa. One of them. And everybody in my family (but me, of course) has curly hair. And we have big noses. But I still like to identify with my Jewish counterparts. I am pretty funny. And I don't like to spend money, even though I do.
Part of the reason why I want to be a Jew is because Christians piss me off. They're so damn judgmental. The Christian Right is a group of people that this world could do without. These people make me want to carpet bomb a nativity scene. Now, I have nothing against normal Christians. So don't get all butt-hurt about this. The ones who are nice, and charitable and aren't Jew haters are okay with me. It's those damn righteous politicos that make me want to tear my hair out. So, for you, I have a couple of questions.
If the bible isn't supposed to be taken literally, what the hell is the point? Does that mean that the DMV driver's manual isn't to be taken literally, either? It is also a book of laws that we are supposed to obey. So can I run red lights now?
If Christians (and Muslims) are so butt-hurt at Jews for calling themselves "God's Chosen People," then where do you get off telling people that unless they believe what you believe, they're going to hell? Isn't that a little grandiose? Doesn't that also make you "God's Chosen People?" And then wouldn't you be a hypocrite?
And if you aren't taking the bible literally, then why do you care so much?
If Adam and Eve were the first people, then who were the people they were supposed to be shamed in front of? Why didn't they get to live in Eden? And if we are all descendents of Adam and Eve, does that mean they threw some babies over the wall?
If the Old Testament became obsolete after Jesus (because people stopped stoning people for working on the Sabbath as sanctioned by Leviticus,) then why do you always quote the OId Testament when bitching about gay people? Or can I really still get killed for wearing a poly blend?
If there's a man on a remote island who never talked to outsiders, and never had a chance to hear a missionary talk about Jesus, and he dies, does he still go to hell? It's really not his fault, but rules are rules, right?
What is up with the term "Holy War?" Explain to me the holiness about war.
What is your obsession with politics? Take school prayer for example. Now I hear Christian pundits talking about "letting the kids choose between prayer and recess..." Okay, do you know any 8 year olds who would forgo a game of dodgeball with their friends so they can pray with their teacher? And why do you expect somebody else to teach your kids morality? Are you too lazy to do it yourself? Or do you honestly not care how your kids turn out?
Do any of you actually believe that God planted dinosaur bones in the ground to confuse us into worshipping false idols?
If the kid who didn't get aborted grows up to kill somebody, and then you kill him, who wins?
Please send all replies to: Jessica Steinbergowiczman@ Pat Robertson is a fag.com
Now. Here's a story. A couple of weeks ago, I was playing poker with my friend's boyfriend and some of his friends. There was an Asian kid they called Eggroll, a Mexican named Nacho, me the dirty jew, and Amanda the Irish, so she was called Red. What is so cool is that I could call Sam "Nacho" and know that he wasn't gonna be offended. Or when Chris told me to "quit Jewing out on me" and I told him to sew me some new sneakers. There was also a redneck there, but that was just too easy. Here's the thing- we could poke fun at ourselves and out differences. We made fun of eachother not because we hated eachother, but because we liked eachother. Now, if everybody else could just quit taking themselves so damn seriously, maybe we could move forward as a people. But no, it's all about judging people, and I'm right and you're wrong and red state blue state. My advice to you Christian people is to get the hell over yourselves. A book that is only half true is not the basis for you always being right.
One more thing. I was raised Catholic. I was communed, confirmed, and I believe in God and I think Jesus was a pretty sweet dude. But I'm still a dirty Jew :)