Holy Shit I Was Right

In the interest of full disclosure, let me just say that I am a little drunk, Okay, so I have to work tomorrow, and I'm pissed because it totally ruins my Halloween, so I went and got wasted. Which is bad for two reasons: 1. My pinkie already hurts from hitting backspace so much, and 2. Do you know how hard it is to stand in the shower while wasted? God. I just want to go to bed.
But HEY!!!! Supreme Court nominee!! Whee! I asked these old dudes at the bar who it was, and they said it was Samuel Anoretfuiowhrfwuio or something. A "moderate" conservative who they said was actually more like Scalia. And I said
DAMN I'M BRILLIANT!
Which actually sucks because this gomer is going to be on the Supreme Court.
(In case you're wondering what I'm talking about, please refer to the second to last previous blog. Not the one where I hate everything, because that's not shocking to anyone. But the one before that.)
I want my 20 hot dogs in buns, with ketchup. Except not now because I might barf.
Some guy told me he was going to give packages of Ramen noodles to trick or treaters. They're on sale- 10 for a buck. I didn't have any response to that. I just laughed.
My damn costume got ruined, too. I have to get up at like 5:30, so I don't get to go out. And I wanted to be the Village People, but I don't know 5 other people willing to subject themselves to that kind of humiliation. But did that stop me? No. I'm still the Village People, damnit. So I got a construction hat with a feather, and an giant belt buckle over some leather chaps... you get the idea. Amanda was "partly cloudy with a chance of rain" so basically she's cotton balls with a squirt bottle.
Fuck Working.
So anyways, I'd better be like a politician or something. Because
I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!

Things I Hate

Yes, I know that my title isn't very creative. That's because I hate people who expect creative titles. It's just a big fuck you.
I've been pissed lately, and I figure that instead of drinking a 12 pack and getting into a bar fight, I should safely vent my anger in a constructive way. And this is what I came up with. Things I hate.

Let's start with a simple, cognitive list.
I hate:
Car commercials
Soap in bar form
Potholes
Cell phones
Electric toothbrushes
Cellophane on cigarette packs
Glow in the dark condoms
64oz refillable cups of Mountain Dew
VO5 shampoo
Cinnamon toothpaste
Wal-Mart
Car lighters
Pink shots with no booze in them
Oklahoma Sooners
Miller High Life
Cake frosting
Basketball
The skin on nacho cheese dip
Amanda's next door neighbor, Eric
The Library Lounge
Country music
Fox News
Orange juice
SUV promotions that throw in a year's worth of gas
Washing my face
Smoking cigs in 10 degree weather
Smoking cigs in 95 degree weather
HuHot Mongolian Grill
Maxi pads
The Steeler's head coach
Nascar
The free gift you get when you open a checking account
Republicans
The onion inside of onion rings
Designer sunglasses
Elmer's glue
Brown booze
Medium bags of peanut M&M's
Bruce Springsteen
Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi
And investment banking

And now a more comprehensive list:
What kind of a dumbass buys an SUV? These people are morons. Hey, let's stick it to the A-rabs and buy giant cars that use tons of gas and make the A-rabs richer!!! I hate SUV people.
I hate people that turn washing their cars into a zen experience.
I hate the dude sitting next to me telling me that smoking is bad while eating a bucket of fried chicken.
I hate MTV and I hate the people who watch it. It must take extra effort to be that stupid.
I hate dudes who wear pink. Wanna borrow my Barbies while you're at it?
Steven Segal movies should be banned. There's nothing I hate more than a Steven Segal movie. I also hate the people who watch Steven Segal movies. And the TV stations who broadcast them.
I hate the FCC. You can't show anything sexy on TV, but you can say "shit" and kill someone. If I'm going to pay 85 dollars a month for cable, then I want some sex.
I hate perfume. Paris Hilton, JLo, Brittney Spears, Michael Jordan, The Pope and Dick Cheney all have "signature scents." Well, I can tell you what they all smell like, respectively: lubricant, tacos, beer, sweat, cow dung, and antiseptic. There, I just saved you 150 bucks.
I hate cowboys who drive Hummers. I shit you not, I saw a farmer in a cowboy hat driving a Hummer. It's like George Bush releasing a rap video, or eating a ketchup milkshake. Some things just don't go together.
I hate cell phones. I know I already said this once, But my hatred runs deep. See, nobody would call me, so basically I would be spending 200 bucks a month to play snake at red lights. And I hate red lights.
And most of all, I hate you. Because nobody ever reads this damn thing, and I need approval!!! Or I'll end up hating myself. And then I'll be Ashley Simpson. And I hate her too.

Christians DO Hate Women

Let's make a little bet:
I'll bet you 20 hot dogs that the next person to be nominated for the Supreme Court will be a man. Not a woman, but a man.
I personally think this whole thing was a sham. And no, I'm not some crazy conspiracy theory dude on public access. There's just a lot of things that don't make sense to me. This whole nomination was odd, more so than I would have expected. Let me take you down my train of thought. Since my dream is to be a brilliant political mind, lets see if I can crack this code.
Okay. Harriet Miers was a block play to instill a conservative man. I always wondered why they just didn't nominate a Scalia type crazy person, instead of Harriet Miers, with her no record, no opinion. Now I look and I see that they never wanted her there at all. Karl Rove is one of the best political tactic players out there, and I just couldn't believe that he thought this was a good idea. So here's the play:
Harriet Miers comes on. A woman, with no judging background, and nothing to present a conservative (or liberal) bias. This angers the ENTIRE republican party, who join together to admonish this crappy ass choice. Harriet then blows every play she can, making her look impish and stupid. Trent Lott said she was very "inarticulate and un-opinionated." Her questionnaire was answered in the style of a high school student. Which angers the right even more, which only unites them more.
So then she withdrawals her nomination, which pleases the right. Which makes them even more united, and now, with his mice all in a row, all Bush has to do is to play the pied piper with his super conservative choice, and bam! Instant approval rating.
So now he's got his base back, but why go to all that trouble? Because they don't want a woman. After John Roberts, Bush had practically no choice but to nominate a woman. After all, Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement leaves only one woman, and the public would have been in outrage had he not replaced at least one of his nominees with a woman. But why then did he pick Harriet Miers? Why not just go with a safe, conservative woman who will appeal to Republicans and enough Democrats to get her safely through? Why go with a lost cause?
Enough distraction was created through this mess that I doubt anybody's gonna care if they nominate a man. Hell, maybe he'll even be black or something. I've heard all the news networks start clamoring about Alberto Gonzales again, along with whatever other Yahoo they can think of. But I have yet to see anybody talk about a woman nominee, and I haven't hear anything about the fact that it should still be a woman. I could never figure out why this was the best woman for the job. Now I know that she was the best person for the job, just not the obvious one.
See, I don't think they trust women with the abortion issue. Justice O'Connor was a moderate conservative, yet she always ruled against repeal. Maybe they think that the chance of a woman justice siding with another woman in an abortion case is too much risk. They want to really push the agenda, and they simply just don't trust women. I'm sure it's not that simple, but I can't think of any other reason why they are going to all this trouble.
20 hot dogs are sitting here on the table. The bet is: It's a very VERY conservative man, and all the Republicans love him, and he's passed without a hitch.
Let's hope I lose.

I Can't Wait to Be a Liberal Artist

Watching "Wheel of Fortune" yesterday, I was appalled to see the winner was this flaky chick from Wisconsin. Okay, first of all, I'm no big fan of Wisconsin people. In Minneapolis, we called them "Skaunies" because they would drive over and go 45 on the interstates. Plus, there's a huge football rivalry. But watching this chick chew gum, twirl her hair, and say that since her major is investment banking, she's gonna be an investment banker, I was inspired to give all the chicks in this generation a nice, big rant.
Okay, first of all, what is up with the clothes? I like to look nice, but I don't walk around with napkins covering my breasts. No shit- I went to a party and saw a girl wearing a pink teddy with a skirt that brushed her ass cheeks, along with pink high heeled shoes. You know the kind that you buy from Payless and dye to match your bridesmaid dress. All I could think was why? If you're a hooker, then more power to you, but it was obvious this girl was giving it up for free. Why does everybody strive to look like a hooker? You think guys won't fuck you if you're not dressed like Heidi Fleiss?
And why do you act so dumb? Unless your career goal in life is to be a Playboy Bunny, then you're probably gonna have to lose some IQ points. My experience is that most girls aren't stupid, they just act that way. So let me ask you this- what kind of guy are you going to attract by acting like your IQ is the same as your jean size?
And what's up with this designer clothing crap? If everybody's goal in life is to find a mate, do you really think the guy you marry really cares what kind of clothes you own? This designer clothing crap is simply to impress other women, and last time I checked, lesbians can't get married. So stop copying everybody else just to impress the chick in your psych class.
Let me tell you something else- shaking your ass the fastest on the dance floor is not that impressive of a talent. So strive for something a little more constructive.
I don't know how much you know about anatomy, but women are not supposed to be stick figures. And guys are idiots if they actually think that you're supposed to be a bean pole. How many guys have you dated have had chubby bellies, or bad hair, or were lacking muscles, or had too much chest hair blah blah. You forgave them for that, so what the hell makes you think that if you gain 10 pounds you'll be forever dateless? Plus, boobs are things that guys like. Try having them sometime. Things generally work out in your favor.
Quit being so damn slutty. If you like a guy, then great, take him home, but don't bang every guy who hits on you. You spend tons of money on your outfit, 3 hours shaving, tweezing, doing your hair and makeup, and all the guy has to do is spend 4 dollars on your drink and you fuck him? Make them fucking work for it for once. Imagine how great it would be if the guys were the ones who had to shop and primp for 25 hours straight just to get laid.
And quit trying to be like everyother chick out there. Talk about boring. Think about looking out at the dance floor in a bar, and EVERY guy you see looks identical to the one next to him. They're all wearing those stupid pink Polo shirts, and designer jeans with the same haircuts and Ray Bans. Whoo. Quite the choice you have there. Good luck with that.
And finally, listen to some better music. It's either 3 chord bands or rap. Both of which are genres dominated by selfish, self serving men. What's the appeal of guys who either want to kill themselves, or guys who call you a whore to your face? Yeah, I've never gotten that.

I'm a Dirty Jew

You know, I've been called many things in my time. But I've never been called a kike or anything anti-semitic. Probably because I'm not Jewish.
I am a little. My grandpa was. Or my great grandpa. One of them. And everybody in my family (but me, of course) has curly hair. And we have big noses. But I still like to identify with my Jewish counterparts. I am pretty funny. And I don't like to spend money, even though I do.
Part of the reason why I want to be a Jew is because Christians piss me off. They're so damn judgmental. The Christian Right is a group of people that this world could do without. These people make me want to carpet bomb a nativity scene. Now, I have nothing against normal Christians. So don't get all butt-hurt about this. The ones who are nice, and charitable and aren't Jew haters are okay with me. It's those damn righteous politicos that make me want to tear my hair out. So, for you, I have a couple of questions.
If the bible isn't supposed to be taken literally, what the hell is the point? Does that mean that the DMV driver's manual isn't to be taken literally, either? It is also a book of laws that we are supposed to obey. So can I run red lights now?
If Christians (and Muslims) are so butt-hurt at Jews for calling themselves "God's Chosen People," then where do you get off telling people that unless they believe what you believe, they're going to hell? Isn't that a little grandiose? Doesn't that also make you "God's Chosen People?" And then wouldn't you be a hypocrite?
And if you aren't taking the bible literally, then why do you care so much?
If Adam and Eve were the first people, then who were the people they were supposed to be shamed in front of? Why didn't they get to live in Eden? And if we are all descendents of Adam and Eve, does that mean they threw some babies over the wall?
If the Old Testament became obsolete after Jesus (because people stopped stoning people for working on the Sabbath as sanctioned by Leviticus,) then why do you always quote the OId Testament when bitching about gay people? Or can I really still get killed for wearing a poly blend?
If there's a man on a remote island who never talked to outsiders, and never had a chance to hear a missionary talk about Jesus, and he dies, does he still go to hell? It's really not his fault, but rules are rules, right?
What is up with the term "Holy War?" Explain to me the holiness about war.
What is your obsession with politics? Take school prayer for example. Now I hear Christian pundits talking about "letting the kids choose between prayer and recess..." Okay, do you know any 8 year olds who would forgo a game of dodgeball with their friends so they can pray with their teacher? And why do you expect somebody else to teach your kids morality? Are you too lazy to do it yourself? Or do you honestly not care how your kids turn out?
Do any of you actually believe that God planted dinosaur bones in the ground to confuse us into worshipping false idols?
If the kid who didn't get aborted grows up to kill somebody, and then you kill him, who wins?
Please send all replies to: Jessica Steinbergowiczman@ Pat Robertson is a fag.com
Now. Here's a story. A couple of weeks ago, I was playing poker with my friend's boyfriend and some of his friends. There was an Asian kid they called Eggroll, a Mexican named Nacho, me the dirty jew, and Amanda the Irish, so she was called Red. What is so cool is that I could call Sam "Nacho" and know that he wasn't gonna be offended. Or when Chris told me to "quit Jewing out on me" and I told him to sew me some new sneakers. There was also a redneck there, but that was just too easy. Here's the thing- we could poke fun at ourselves and out differences. We made fun of eachother not because we hated eachother, but because we liked eachother. Now, if everybody else could just quit taking themselves so damn seriously, maybe we could move forward as a people. But no, it's all about judging people, and I'm right and you're wrong and red state blue state. My advice to you Christian people is to get the hell over yourselves. A book that is only half true is not the basis for you always being right.
One more thing. I was raised Catholic. I was communed, confirmed, and I believe in God and I think Jesus was a pretty sweet dude. But I'm still a dirty Jew :)

Men Piss Me Off

You know, when I started this blog, I told myself that I wouldn't write a lick about me, or my life, or my problems. It's my own little way of mocking you morons who do keep an "online diary." In the interest of being honest here, let me tell you people a little secret: Nobody cares about your life.
But I have decided that since this is also a safe place for me to bitch about shit that pisses me off, I can in certain circumstances, bring my life into play, make it "fair game" so to speak.
Because I am so fucking pissed off at men. So fucking pissed off. You guys hear that? Fuck you and your chest hair.
Here's the thing. I attract crazy people. Anybody who knows me will agree, when it comes to men, I usually bring about the crazies. It's always depressed crazy, too. Like 24 hour suicide watch crazy. Which brings me to why I am so fucking pissed.
Do I look like a psychiatrist to you? What makes you think I want to know that in 3rd grade, your dog died and you were traumatized for life and it still hurts and I've only know you for 3 hours? Or am I supposed to help you resolve your ex girlfriend issues when you put up a shrine to her in your living room? Or if your wife left you, and you're still depressed about it, why even ask me out in the first place? Like I said: what makes you think I have a PHD in men psychology?
Jesus, if I get one more depressed, obsessive, traumatized, drug addicted, or suicidal man in my life I'm going to go post office style and take out a sports bar.
Now I know that everybody has issues, and if you can't tell that I have pretty big issues, then you're an idiot. But c'mon, I'm not out there flinging myself at men going "make me feel better!" And even if I were, so what? I'm not a MAN. Which is another reason I'm pissed- why do I attract these pussies? And they're all fucking short, which makes me taller than them, and they're skin and bones, which makes me fatter than them. There has got to be somebody more man than I am out there. Jesus Christ I'm about to turn lesbian here.
Fucking men.
I seem to be going on a lot of first dates lately, and that's just frustrating as hell. Seems after these guys dump all their problems in my lap they stop calling. Maybe there's like a secret man website where they advertise me for free. "Free therapy! Just take her out and get her drunk!"
You fuckers are just giant ass pussies. Okay, that's mean. As your therapist, I am inclined to be on your side. My advise to you is to GET THE HELL OVER IT AND ACT LIKE MEN FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKE.
And I am done.

How To Party In Nebraska

For those of you who have never been here, I would like to extend a warm welcome to America's heartland. We are the middle of our country, which makes us important. That soy latte you're drinking was provided by us, and that yummy burger you ate came from our cows, after the pot you smoked that traveled on our interstate. Yes, without us, you couldn't be a dirty hippie vegan pothead, or a red meat wolfing meth freak. And even now, with everything we've done, I'll be generous enough to give you little tid bits on fitting in with the locals. We're nice here in the cornfields.
First thing to remember is that we don't drink foo foo here. No cosmopolitans, or dainty little things with umbrellas in them. If you're going to drink, then you have to either drink Busch Light or straight liquor.
Yes, the capitol does look like a giant penis, and will continue to look more and more phallic as the evening goes on.
If you're looking for a nice Irish Pub, then look no further. We've got a great, traditional Irish Pub serving only the finest Ales in pint glasses. There's also a giant dance floor with laser lights and cages for scantily clad women to dance in. The real Irish Pubs ain't got shit on us!
If you break a bar window with you're head, a good course of action would be to NOT pour booze on your head as an antiseptic. The best thing to do is to run.
But don't run from cops in cornfields. You'll end up naked in a ravine with a broken tailbone. Side note- cornstalks chafe. Badly. Really try to keep your clothes on.
The guy playing the washboard will not hurt you. He just thinks his washboard is a musical instrument. Give him a quarter, but if you tell him the washboard should be used to wash his yucky clothes, then you have to give him a dollar.
Do not drive a Honda Civic through Wilderness Park. You'll only get stuck between two trees, and blow two cylinders trying to get out.
When you get pulled over for your third DUI, guys, try to remember that eating the urinal cake in detox will NOT help you pass a breathalyzer.
When the cops have you in the back of their squadcar, try not to smile while they take a picture of you and your half empty bottle of vodka. It's bad press.
It is possible to burn down a cornfield by throwing a cigarette butt into it. But never forget that burning is a natural part of nature. Or whatever.
Climbing trees while drunk will only result in a head injury.
Lighting your clothes on fire in the bar parking lot is generally looked down upon, unless you can blame it on the guy standing next to you.
Bratwurst is only yummy when you're wasted.
Baloney will take the paint off a car.
And finally, when you're driving down a dirt road drunk, keep in mind that deer splatter when you hit them. And damage your car and possibly kill you.
So come to America's heartland, the premier suburb in a cornfield. We'd love to get you drunk and do unspeakable things to you! (No, the sink is not a toilet, and sharpie marker does not come off!)

Generation IPod Part Deux

I haven't broached the subject of my favorite fuck up generation in a while, so let me please digress- I tried. I really did. I figured maybe I was being unfair, I thought maybe not everyone is a helmet wielding retard. And I did pretty well. Until Friday.
See, I don't watch MTV. The only way anybody could ever get me to watch it would be to pin my eyes open and tie me to a chair in a Clockwork Orange fashion. But I have a friend who does, and she told me a whopper that still has my head whirling.
There's a show called "Made." Maybe you've heard of it- people (mostly girls) go under the knife so they can look like their favorite celebrities. They also get new clothes, new hair, and training to be as similar as you can get. For example, if you wanted to be Serena Williams, you would get her hairstyle, her clothes and makeup, and train at tennis. You also can get plastic surgery, which is the part that whigs me the most.
So there's this girl, and she's been living with this guy for 2 years. She is absolutely gorgeous. The guy she's been living with won't officially date her because she doesn't look like Carmen Electra. She "isn't perfect yet" (His words.)
And instead of telling this.........this, this dude I have no words for to go fuck himself what does she do?
She decides to become Carmen Electra. So she has plastic surgery on her already beautiful face, and liposuctions the non-existent fat out of her thighs.
And now the guy will date her, saying "she's finally perfect!"
Happily ever after.
Okay, I've said it once, and I will say it again:
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MORONS!!!!!
Does anybody else see the problem with this? And who are you idiots who watch this shit enough to keep it on the air?
I'm normally all about the free speech. But this is simply ridiculous. I just want to say that it will not be the violent video games, or the sex in movies and TV that will ruin the generation, it will be shit like this. A TV show that advocates to young girls not only that you are not good enough, but that the guy you want doesn't think you are good enough either. Don't you think we chicks have enough problems already?
This is just going to fuck some minds up in a serious way. Who lets their kids watch this crap? And who the hell came up with it? Let's do a show where we change kids into mini celebrity look-a-likes, sometimes permanently, and for what? So we can teach them that the only thing that matters is how you look? Did a woman come up with this? I hate to think that, but guys just aren't that smart by nature. I oughta track this woman down and lipo her brain. What the fuck are you thinking?
That episode just shocked the hell out of me. It still does, because what kind of self esteem would it take to do that to yourself simply so the guy you like will finally date you? What kind of self esteem does it take to watch that show and silently agree with what happened? It's unbelievable to me, because we would never see a show where a guy gets surgery to look like Orlando Bloom simply because his girlfriend doesn't think he's "perfect." This, to me, exposes serious flaws in the way we are looking at things. What's important to us? The clothes we wear and the things we own and the way we all look? Is that really all we're going on here? Because if we are, then I need a new generation.

The Games People Play

So I have a buddy who is into gaming, and he wants to design video games for a living. Which is totally cool because sitting on your ass playing games would probably be a great career move. And, because I am such a kick ass friend, I have decided to offer my services as super good idea giver. So here, my friend, is a list of games that I think you should create and distribute to the masses.

"Photosynthesis Extreme" In this game, you would be a tree, and the objective is to grow. The opportunities for upgrading would be great because it takes 20 to 30 years to beat.

"Call of Dooty" Here, you are a plumber who has to unclog septic systems. Your foes are E coli and crusty wads of TP.

"Who wants to be MC Hammer?" Try to spend every dime you have on stupid crap, then shorten your name and do infomercials. The first one to survive on nothing but dog food and ramen noodles wins.

"Minesweeper part deux" Kind of like the original except instead of diffusing land mines, you're strip mining Utah. Extra points for missing and blowing up Mormons.

"Die like Nikki Sixx" Your objective is to suck up drugs like a Hoover Vacuum. You only win if you come back to life, though.

"Dave Matthews Tour Bus Champions" Drive your tour bus over unsuspecting victims and drop human waste on them.

"President Bush Cabinet Meeting Simulator" Color the prettiest picture, but remember to stay in the lines! Bonus if your picture makes the fridge.

"FaceOff!! Michael Moore vs. Rush Limbaugh Lunch Meat Edition" Simulated contest to see who can eat the most hot dogs. Bonuses for gastric bypass surgery and oxycontin addiction. Watch out for those pesky vegetables!!

"Holy Wars: The game of a loving Lord" Isolate a certain group then pray for them. If you pray hard enough, you can either send them to hell for being Godless Infidels, or you can change them into clones in God's Army. The army then blows the Jews off the face of the Earth. Or the Muslims. Your choice!!!!

"The Sandlot" Be the first to count all the grains of sand on the beach. If the tide comes in, you have to start over.

I think this should be sufficient to jumpstart his career in a serious way. Just my little way of saying "I'm here for you buddy!!!"

Christians Are Supposed to Hate Women

Lets read from scripture, shall we?

Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach or to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed and then Eve, and Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression...(I Timothy 2:11-14)

For the man is not of the woman, but the woman is of the man. Let the woman keep silence in the churches, for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, so saith the law. And if they learn anything, let them ask their husbancd at home; for it is a shame for women to speak in the church. (I Corinthians 11:3, 7, 9)

Almost makes me want to go to church, how about you?

They've come a long way since Hitler

Apparently, Germany's got a woman Chancellor. So let me just say-
THAT IS SO FUCKING SWEET!
I haven't read a word of anything about it, I just heard it from a friend. Maybe I'll get off my lazy ass and go read the newspaper, but I honestly don't see that happening. My chair is ergonomic :)
Being both German and Jewish (and French, what an anomaly- I'm a bitch who hates myself.) I have to say I'm quite proud of the home country. A woman. The only other country I can think of with a woman in the hot seat is the Phillipines, and she's in a heap of trouble right now.
So I guess my question is how could Germany elect a woman before us? I mean, they're all dark, goth, and Godless, and here we are all light and sunshine and God-happy. Shouldn't we be the ones to give up our reservations and do something meaningful?
Germans are pretty gung-ho about Government, though. When I lived in Minneapolis, I became friends with a German named Christian. He used to work for the German Government before he came here to go to school and get married. He said that in Germany, if you lost your job, you would never lose your house, your insurance, your means of living. The Gov. would help a brother out, while helping you find a new job. The problem, of course was the Gov never had any money, because all of it was spent on people. He also said the Gov was lightyears behind, although I don't know quite what he meant. But you know those Germans. They could engineer a steam train into a personal manicurist, so I have no worries about the Government.
So go Germany you GroBer Zuhalter. You're making us German/Jewish/French/American girls proud.

Bush Blames Senate For Being a Tool

Apparently, being a judge isn't a prerequisite for being a judge.
President Bush made a bold move by listening to Congress for the first time last week. He says that in the historic listening action, one of the ideas he heard was to nominate a Supreme Court Justice with no prior judicial experience.
Now call me crazy, but oh, I don't know, maybe a little experience would be helpful seeing as how it's the SUPREME COURT. It's the same as promoting me to CEO of Budweiser because I can hold my liquor.
While I have my doubts about the Senate being the ones to villify this obviously over-qualified choice, I do have to wonder why he picked her in the first place. I mean, why didn't he pick some Scalia type crazy person? It's not like they wouldn't have been confirmed. Karl Rove and the Political Sham Band aren't around just to look pretty. (ain't that the truth.) This administration usually has no trouble getting what they want. Why nominate this woman with no record of her views? Maybe she is a Scalia type crazy person, and they're keeping it secret. But the right is so pissed that she has no judicial record that they're threatening to block the nomination.
So I guess since nobody can figure out what she's about from her prior judging, we'll have to use the time-tested method of makeup application to figure out what she's all about. Gays have been using this method for centuries, and it seems to work. I've never been hit on by a lesbian before.
So okay. Everybody grab your Harriet Miers pics and lets go at it.
First thing I notice is the lack of technique. Almost looks like she just put makeup on for the first time yesterday. Also notice how the blush on her cheeks is pronounced. Nobody taught this woman the fine art of blending. Her hair seems to have the quality of a helmet, which means either it's a wig, or she had Aqua Net for breakfast. Now the lips and the shape of the chin, it's very masculine looking.............holy shit Harriet Miers iS A MAN!!!!! She's a man dressed in woman's clothing!! Ah, now it all makes sense. It's Pat Robertson in drag!
What would everybody do if it wasn't for me and my awesome powers of deduction? You totally owe me like 25 hot dogs for this one.

The Unicameral Offense

This is an official appeal to everybody residing in a state that is not Nebraska:
Can I come live with you?
See, here's the deal. Tom Osbourne is running for Govenor. And everybody will vote for him. Which will make him the Govenor. Which will make me have to move.
In case you're unaware of who Tom Osbourne is, he's the US House Representative from the Nebraska 2nd, which is Lincoln and Lancaster County. He's also the old football coach who was only elected 2 terms ago.
Yes, we love our football here. Tom Osbourne led us to 3 National Championships, so we named a field after him. And elected him to Congress. The problem with this is that he's the Charlie McCarthy to the Republican Edgar Bergen. He's a puppet! This dude, in his 4 years in the house, has never sponsored his own bill, and never has voted outside his party, not even once. He can't speak, he can't think, he's not inspired. He thinks recesses are "timeouts," and passing a bill is referred to as a "touchdown."
He hasn't done a damn thing for us since we sent him there, and now he's polling 12 points ahead for the Governorship.

Here's what life will be when Tom Osbourne graces the Unicameral with his presence:
Every time a bill is passed, the winning side must pat eachother's asses in celebration
Gatorade will be poured on the Speaker's head at the end of all floor meetings
The Rotunda will now contain press boxes, skybox seats, and a giant instant replay screen
Democrats will be banned from calling audibles during a floor fight.
The house floor will now be called "Tom Osbourne Floor Field"
All Senators will be required to wear bulky headsets
Yellow flags will be the hankerchiefs of choice
Ernie Chambers will be fouled for delay of game
The traditional business attire will be replaced with track suits and running shorts
The Nebraska state flag will be replaced with Herbie Husker strangling a Seminole Indian

I would like to know when and where you want me to go when this occurs. Please let me know. This man wants to ban tailgaiting before games. You can pry my beer and bratwurst from my cold, dead hands you puppet. This state will enter the seventh circle of hell with this man, and that's saying something. I think Nebraska's already in the sixth circle. So America, help a brother find a home. Thank you.

Delay Of Game

TOM DELAY GOT INDICTED!!!!!!!!
I'm hosting a celebration party this weekend. I'm having it at Trent Lott's well, lot. RSVP to Bill Frist who, incidentally, will also be part of the festivies
I knew it was only a matter of time before one of these fucks got caught with a hand up a skirt.
Also: Scooter Libby is the dude who leaked. And I don't mean his depends. That kind of pisses me off because now it's Dick Cheney and not Karl Rove who will be investigated. I love Karl Rove about as much as I love a Coca Cola enema.
Dick Cheney is high on my list of people who asses I would like to kick, though.

ASSES I WOULD LIKE TO KICK:

1: Hillary Duff
2: Dick Cheney
3: Barbara Bush (the old one)
4: Bill O'Reilly
5: Michael Brown
6: Jessica Simpson
7: Her whiny little sister
8: Al Franken
9: The old dude from Green Acres
10: Congress (over my knee using one of the paddles with the holes in them)
11: The entire city of Wichita, Kansas
12: Master P


Do you think its wrong to get so much pleasure from someone going down?
Wait, don't answer that.
All I can say is it's about damn time someone fucked up. My only hope is that American's memories will last long enough to kick these ass faces out next year. Cuz let's face it, we're pretty dumb sometimes.
So anyway, for the party I'll be hosting, it's BYOB, but the Hors D' Oeuvres are on me. I'll be serving a Delayered Cake, Campaign Puffs, and Hammer Rolls. Frist Fritters will cost a dollar.