Let's Give a Hand For the Russian Bikini Team

I'm talking to my mother right now about a boy my little sister is seeing. He's a Russian, or I guess he's an American who was born in Russia. And while talking to my sister about him, my mom asked if he was really pale with dark bags under his eyes. My sister said, "well, yeah." And my mother acts as if this proves her extremely scientific theory:
Communism makes people ugly. And her argument is based on the fact that Americans, who are free, have better skin than Russians.
"I mean, could you imagine what their bikini team looks like?" She said. "Compare them to the Swedish bikini team, and you'll see what I mean."
Now, even though I bit my tongue when I thought to myself, "don't Swedes have like the highest suicide rate in the world?" I still couldn't help but see her point. I have yet to meet a sexy Russian.
So I replied, "Mom, it's just geography. They're pale because it's always winter. Same reason Africans and Mexicans are dark. It's always summer."
"Nope," she said. "I guarantee you, that if Chinese DNA were different, they would have bad skin, too."
And that's when I let her go, because I really couldn't follow her anymore.
But then I started thinking about what she was talking about. Which gave me a headache, which I fixed with two glasses of Pinot Grigio. And now she's starting to make sense. Which probably makes me drunk.
So okay. Imagine, if you will, an old Russian woman. If you can't, I'll help. She looks like Ed Koch. Now imagine Joan Rivers. Kinda wierd, huh? Like maybe the Russian spent all her time in a bread line, while Joan Rivers injected the fat in her thighs into her face. According to that model, Communism does make you ugly, while freedom makes you Joan Rivers.
But then I look at China and Cuba. Castro looks like Keith Richards, meaning he should have died 30 years ago but hasn't. And Cuban women are hot until they have 30 kids. The Chinese, on the other hand, have their own porn section at Sexworld, and are banned from having more than 1 kid. Translation: Freakin Hot!
So I guess the Chinese don't count. And well, neither does Cuba, because nobody there is pale. So the new thesis would be: Being a Russian Communist makes you ugly.
But Nastasia Kinski is hot. So is Anna Kournikova. Maybe it's just Russian men. And I don't know any Russian men, so there's nothing to prove me wrong.
And that is it. Communism makes Russian men ugly. Which doesn't make sense either, because if Communism made men ugly, then it would have to make the women ugly too, because Communism isn't gender specific.
So I guess the only logical conclusion left would be that getting old makes you ugly, as evidenced by old Russian women. Unless, of course, you're Joan Rivers, who happens to be American. Which I guess makes me glad to be American, because I know I'll always be able to shoot botox into my forehead before I start to look Russian. So I guess the only thing left to say is
GOD BLESS AMERICA