Why I'm Cooler Than You

Do not be offended. Some things just are, and this happens to be one of them. In case you don't believe me, here's a fairly comprehensive list:

1. I can milk a cow. And I know what part steaks come from. You know, the really tender yummy ones.

2. I can call you a motherfucker in Arabic, tell you to fuck off in Japanese, tell you to suck my dick in Spanish, and say "big penis" in German. I don't believe you have to learn a whole language in order to communicate in other countries, all you really need are a few select phrases.

3. I know how to make a bomb out of a 2 liter bottle and dry ice. Mr. Wizard taught me when I was seven.

4. I got drunk with a news anchor in Minneapolis who now works for CNN. So her news reports are now littered with images of her stumbling around and bitching about the sex with the weatherman.

5. I can rest my foot on the shoulder of someone who is standing (as long as they're under 5'11".)

6. I think "Sideways" is a stupid ass movie.

7. I can make artistic sculptures out of "Elmer's Glue" and as soon as those faggy, uptight art dealers in New York call me back, I'll be famous, which will be another reason I'm cooler than you.

8. I know the recipe to a Big Mac's "secret sauce."

9. I can eat gross things and not vomit (i.e. worms, squid tentacles, cow balls, and an "OJ Special," which is everything on the restaurant table mixed into a glass of orange juice.)

10. I can pop microwave popcorn without burning it.

11. I can get you to read 10 reasons why I'm cooler than you, which just proves that I am.