Teeth Are Overrated, Anyway

So it turns out I'm good at ice skating. And with all talents one possesses, one must best decide what to do with said talents. Being of the belief that figure skating is for sad girls and gay men, I have decided to apply my talents in an area that desperately needs someone like me: Ice Hockey.
Hockey is pretty tough. The ice is slippery, and people will punch you in the face without any forewarning. And it's had it's share of problems. It just got over a strike, and most Americans don't like watching sports dominated by people named Sven. So I, yes I, am volunteering for the thankless job of restoring hockey to its once prestigious title of America's least watched sport.
The problem is, most people have a hard time watching hockey. The puck is too small. So, as soon as I'm on a team, I'm going to demand that we use something a little more visible- like a bowling ball. It will make the game a lot easier to follow. But Sergio the goalie is gonna have to get some more padding!
We need more players, too. 5 people is not enough, and there's only four if there's a power play. Football has 11 players on the field, plus the 600 guys on the sidelines. Did you know that the same guy who plays 4th string right tackle is not the same guy who plays 4th string left tackle? Americans love excess! We need like 12 guys out on the ice.
And we're going to have to make the fights more interesting. There's 24 hockey players stoned on testosterone and wearing ice skates, so there's always going to be some bloodshed. But Americans need more than just some broken noses. We don't watch NASCAR because it's interesting, we watch it because there's a chance we're going to see an explosion or two. So from now on, players can whack eachother with their sticks. In fact, let's trade the traditional hockey sticks for some good old fashioned baseball bats. That ought to help. So go ahead! Feel free to beat a Canadian over the head.
Basketball has always been know for it's half time contests. A fan gets to come down and shoot a basket for a prize. Except they have to shoot from half court, and the prize is always a gift certificate to The Olive Garden. So let's kick ours up a notch. We'll let the fans onto to the ice to fight over the teeth left from bowling balls and baseball bats. Whoever collects the most teeth wins a gift certificate to The Olive Garden. But they get to take Bjorn, Gunnar, and Ivar with them. Someone's gotta pre-chew their food for them.
And by the way, what's up with this 3 period bullshit? Who wants two halftimes? American's like their games to come in pairs, not treys. Even baseball has the 7th inning stretch. I don't care how Canadians count, us Americans don't want to do more than we have to, and two halftimes is twice as much standing and stretching than we're comfortable with.
We should change the prize too. Who the hell is Stanley? And why would anybody want his cup? I think we should play for pizza. The winner gets free Pizza Hut for life. Or we could play for free dental work. Maybe we could have some sort of lottery. Fuck this Stanley guy. And his stupid cup.
We're going to start serving beer in the penalty box. We'll call it "The Penalty Box Pub," and I guarantee that players will do anything to get in there. So our halftime show will always be fully stocked with teeth. And whoever loses the most teeth during the half will get a free drink with a purchase of any menu item over 5 dollars.
We're gonna need to make over our fans, too. Hockey fans are crazy, sure, but there's not a rink full of cheeseheads, or people doing the "truffle shuffle." So no fan is allowed in unless they are wearing one of the following:
A beer can hat
A viking hat, a hat in the shape of a food object, or enough mardi gras beads to make Pamela Anderson work for them
Enough body paint to make Jackson Pollock jealous
Bongo drums
Indian gear
A jersey made entirely out of garbage bags and stuffed animals
Nothing
Our fans need to be as unruly as the players. So upon entering, all fans who are dressed in the proper attire will be given their own baseball bats. Feel free to beat eachother senseless, just like your favorite hockey players do!
And finally, all hockey players have to have theme names. Like "American Gladiators" used to. So Sven is now "Nitro," and Roland will be "Turbo." It will give hockey a more American feel. "Killer" and "Dog the psychopath " will be reserved for championship games only.
I think I'll start knocking some teeth out now just so I fit in when I get there. I'm also in the process of giving myself a black eye. Does anybody have a hammer? Or a baseball bat?