Welcome To The Hitching Post

The prospect of marriage has always freaked me out. Mention the words "husband", "wedding", "vows", or "boring sex with the same man over and over for eternity," and I totally whig. And the image in my head of my marriage has never been pleasant. Here's a tid bit:
As the sun sets over the park, I step out of my trailer with my husband and children onto the cool packed dirt road. My children run into the road, splendid in their bare footed, diapered, unwashed child exuberance. I crack open a Miller High Life and light up a Basic cigarette and I rub my husband's beer belly while he drinks Jack Daniels from a brown paper bag. Our Pit Bulls bark wildly and strain against their studded collars when the children get too close. My husband ends their barking with a sharp kick to their ribs, and I smile because our electricity is back on. Marriage is bliss.
So you can imagine my trepidation. How am I going to please my husband, who obviously is quite the catch, and my dumb luck to have married him in the first place? Luckily, I came across a little article designed to help women just like me. It's a little old, but marriage itself is ancient, so I'm sure it's just as relevant now as it was back then. It's called "The Good Wife's Guide" May 13, 1955.

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
So okay. Cook for him. That's great advice, because I like to cook, and men like to eat. This guide is great!

2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
So looking pretty for him is a decent tip. Don't know about that ribbon, though.

3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Wow, being gay and "lifting" my husband. This magazine is dirty! So, kinky sex? I'm in.

4.Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Okay, but when? I have to come home from work, rest, do my hair and makeup, cook dinner, and clean the house? All before he gets home? Well, okay, I'll try, I guess.

5.Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dishcloth over the tables.
Are you trying to say that good wives are redundant? Did you read #4 before you wrote #5?

6.Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give him a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Okay, wait a minute. Do you really think it's wise to mix me and fire? And what the hell is this shit about "catering for his comfort?" You know what provides me with immense personal satisfaction? Throwing darts at girls who think that catering for men's comfort will provide them with immense personal satisfaction.

7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small,) comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Children are "treasures" and should "play the part?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a moron. Quiet kids? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, that's good.

8. Be happy to see him.
Finally, something that makes sense. But what's all this hoopla about "his arrival?" This whole guide seems to be all about him...

9.Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Okay, hold on. What if I don't have a desire to please anybody? And I don't have any sincerity to show when it comes to not wanting to please people. My mere presence should please him enough anyway.

10.Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
WHAT!!!!???? You are fucking kidding me. You think my husband talking about who can belch loudest after lunch while scratching his ass is more important than my "dozen important things?" Fuck that.

11.Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of interest without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Are you planning on my husband being a bomb diffuser? Or a CIA spy? Because having a job is not exactly what I would qualify as bad enough to warrant being a jerk face and not coming home. And if he has a "very real need to be at home and relax," then why is he coming home late and going out to dinner?

12.Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
No, my goal is to avoid going to jail for spousal abuse or attempted murder. I'm not his Zenmaster.

13.Don't greet him with complaints or problems.
Well, tell him to quit pissing me off.

14.Don't complain if he's late coming home, or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through during the day.
Okay, once again, where the hell does this dude work? And why are you telling me not to worry if he doesn't come home at night? If he doesn't come home, then whatever he might have "gone through during the day" is going to seem like a fucking picnic party.

15.Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
The only thing men are masters of is the toilet, and even then they get yelled at if they leave the seat up. And I have every right to question him, because if I didn't, we would be eating polish dogs and pork rinds every night while the kids watch porn on the couch his college roommate spilled bong water on.

16. A good wife always knows her place.
Yeah, you know where it is? On top.

Well, I think I can safely say that if this is how marriage is going to be, then I want nothing to do with it. What kind of backward ass world world would we be living in if this were how marriages actually were? Oh, wait. We'd be in a nuclear cold war and Joe McCarthy would be knocking on my back door. Men are such idiots.