Ma, It's Not Wasted Space

In my years, I still haven't found anything as gut-wrenchingly embarrassing as a sex conversation with my mother. Now, it's not your run of the mill, what does this do, where does this go conversation of your teen years, this goes way beyond- the things she wants to talk about are things that even I have trouble talking about without blushing, and that's saying something. So imagine my chagrin, when at Applebee's, in front of my cute bartender, she pops out with "I heard guys like having their prostate rubbed, Jess. Where is it?"
EIWWWWWWWWWW.
Okay, trying to get beyond the fact that she figured I would know, (which I do) I couldn't believe she had the balls to ask her daughter whether she should stick her finger up her boyfriend's butt, which after I told her exactly where it was, she started contemplating out loud.
Now, I don't know much about normal conservation topics involving one's mother, but I'm pretty sure this one doesn't count. Especially when the next thing she says is- "I used to lay in bed with your dad, and he always said the area between his balls and his ass was wasted space. Is that true?"
DOUBLE EIWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Oh God I think I'm gonna barf. Now she brings up the only taboo from childhood that still counts- your parents having sex, and combines it with like the worst mental image I have ever seen. I felt faint when I told her in a teeny, tiny voice- "No."
And she starts ranting about how retarded my dad is, and how glad she is that sex with her boyfriend is better, and how excited she is to try all these cool new sex tips I'm giving her. And I ran for the bathroom.
What I don't understand is how exactly she knew to ask me these things. My sexual escapades are not unknown, but for God's sake, even my mother knows I like to get a little freaky? And now, apparently, the cute bartender at Applebee's has a faint inkling, too. So I'm on a self-imposed exile from Applebee's. That's not a very cool way to pick up guys- "Hey, my mother says I'm good in bed! Wanna see if she's right?"
As for my mother, let's just say the next time I'm having a conversation with her will be inside a church. I'm hoping the presence of God will shut her up. But that's a job even the Almighty might have a problem with. As for the rest of you- It's Not Wasted Space.