Suicide By Hot Dogs and Other Random Crap

There are trace amounts of poisons in hot dogs. If you ate enough, you'd eventually die. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to commit suicide by hot dog. My master plan is this- By simultaneously committing suicide and eating mass amounts of hot dogs, I can break the record for most hot dogs eaten, and then die afterward, thus securing my place in a record much more prestigous- people who died while setting a record, which will remain in the record books indefinitely, because nobody is going to try to break the record somebody else died doing.

Jen: I cut myself shaving.
Irv: That's a bummer. Where at?
Jen: My vagina.
Irv: Your vagina? You shaved your vagina?
Jen: Yeah, and I cut it! I'm going to have a scar right there on my vagina! (drops head in hands)
Irv: So you're going to have a scar on your vagina. What's the big deal?
Jen: What's the big deal? How am I supposed to explain that?
Irv: Say you lost a battle with a razor blade.
Jen: Yeah, that's great. My vagina has battle wounds. "Hello, guy. This is my vagina, the warrior."
Irv: Might work.
Jen: Would you want to have sex with a warrior vagina?
Irv: (Looks a little spooked) Sounds scary.

I like to think of Jesus getting stoned. 3 or 4 guys, sitting around a table with Jesus, getting ripped. Imagine Jesus, Saul, and Samuel ducking behind a tree to smoke a bowl before the sermon on the mount.
"Jesus, that's a big mount. Do we have to go?"
"Samuel, of course. You guys are my Apostoles. We roll together. Don't bogart the weed."
"Hey dude, Jesus, My eyes don't work."
"You're baked, Saul. Of course they don't work. Here, use my Godly tears to heal them."
Which is how we got Visine.