John Travolta and I Are Ridding the Earth Of Aliens

I am so joining Scientolgy!! I took their personality test online (a $500 value, for free!) and the results were sent to the nearest Scientology Representative in Witchita, KS. All I have to do is drive down there, let them hook me up to a lie detector test, ask me 200 questions, then I pay them money so they can rid my soul of ancient alien remains that make me do awful things like drink alcohol and have sex. If I keep paying them, I can move up the Scientology levels and become an "Operating Thetan," which is sort of like Enilightenment in Buddhism, except for instead of reaching for a peaceful state of mind, my main focus will be fighting the aliens, which are knows as "Body Thetans."
Apparently, 75 million years ago, the ruler of the "Galactic Conferderacy" was an alien named Zenu, and he was in charge of 70 or so planets, including Earth. The problem was that the other planets were hugely over-populated with their alien residents, and those planets were starting to die. So Zenu solved this problem by informing millions of aliens that they were being audited for tax purposes. When they all showed up at the tax auditing center, they were knocked unconsious, pumped full of alcohol and glycol, and cryogenically frozen. Zenu then loaded them all into a Douglas DC 8 airliner and flew them to Earth, where he unloaded their frozen bodies around the volcanoes in Hawaii. He then blew them to bits using Hydrogen Bombs, thus taking care of that pesky population problem.
After he blew them to bits, Zenu set up traps along the Earth to capture the alien's souls. Souls cannot be destroyed, you see, they will live foe all eternity. To finish his evil plan, Zenu put all the alien souls into a giant movie theatre and made them watch 3D movies to implant false reality into them. They were fooled into thinking that things like God, Jesus, and Mohammed were real. Zenu also made sure that these "new realities" were easily exploited in these souls as a form of social control. Finally, he let them out to cluster and join the souls of regular Earth inhabitants (i.e. Us), thus sending us into a world were everything is false reality, because of these aliens clining to us, thus controlling the entire Earth using his demon Body Thetan aliens.
Luckily, Zenu was overthrown by the "Marcab Confederation," and now resides in a prison locked up on a faraway planet. But his army of Body Thetans still reside here on Earth, enslaving us into a false reality, and making us do bad and sinful things.
Thank un-real God for Scientology! They are here to help everyday people like you and me rid ourselves of these alien Body Thetans and acheive spiritual reality. Although once you acheive spiritual reality, you aren't aloud to tell anybody about it, I'm sure it's wonderful. And while I think it's strange that Zenu's spaceship was a DC 8 Airliner, like the ones used today, I'm sure that's only because our technology took 75 million years to catch up to theirs. But I am so ready to get rid of these Body Thetan, they kind of itch!! I'm also quite excited to give birth to my children without any knid of pain medication, and also without me making a sound. See, when children are born, it's very traumatic for them, and this kind of trauma leaves an inprint on the child's soul. Which the Body Thetans feed on, which makes the child do bad things later in life. By not making a noise and keeping off the meds, the mother can ease the trauma involved in birth and prevent her child from fire-bombing an elementary school when it's 25.
The total cost to reach the Operating Thetan level is $360,000, which is a freakin BARGAIN!! If that's all I have to pay for spiritual reality, then count me in! Then again, maybe that's why it's all celebrities like Tom Cruise and John Travolta who join Scientology, they can actually afford to blow money trying to kill space alien souls. And since Scientology believes that psychiatry has wrecked everything from schools to wars, they can't get professional help when it turns out that Zenu was just a made up story by a self-proclaimed science fiction writer.
Bummer.