What happened.

I quit Brewsky's. I couldn't handle Deb. Back then, that was enough for me to check out.
I always had this stupid crush on Nockels. The only reason was that he didn't like me. At all. Which just fueled this strange obsessive need to get him to love me.
And Travis was there in the background. Just there. I always pushed his little personal borders he had set up all around him. Nobody was allowed behind the bar when he was back there, but I would march right up to him and look him square in the eye. And I would say "you're so cute!" or "I need a hug," or something and he would giggle. And I drank his coffee, and flirted, and never once thought he was anything but just Travis. It was all about Nockels.
One night, after a spectacularly drunken messy fail while drinking at his bar, I left and drunk dialed Travis. I left him a message, and don't really remember what I said. He called me back the next day and we chatted. That was it.
Then came super drunk night at Brewskys. Travis actually cut me off, I was so drunk. I went home, and drunkenly got myself kicked out of Katie's house. I moved back to my Moms. I had quit by then, and had no job. Jamie was sick of me being there, and eventually managed to throw me out. That day, I went and got a job at Nebraska Book with the plan to work there long enough to make some money and then take off.
My Dad and Peg didn't want me at their house, either. I begged and pleaded, and told them my plan to move, and they said they would think about letting me live there until Janurary 1st (this being early November.) They told me to come back the next day for their decision.
So I was homeless. Again. #6.
I had no where to go, so I went to the Silver Spoke where Terry was working and hung there and drank. I was trying to steel myself for the thought of sleeping outside in November. Then Travis and the return phone call popped in my head. He called me right back after I had randomly called him, so he can't hate me as much as everybody else does. So I called him. And he said I could come over and hang out if I wanted.
And I nervously drove to his house, and was amazed to find how easy it was just to hang out. And laugh, and smile, and talk. I don't know how it ever happened, but we kissed eachother, and it is the one kiss I'll probably never forget. We kissed, and then giggled, and laughed, and then kissed again, and giggled. We slept together, and it was so unlike any other first times I've slept with somebody. It wasn't anxious, or awkward, and I didn't feel like I had to be some sexual goddess or a pornstar, or any other things I always felt I had to be. It was simple, and it was great.
I woke up really early, in his bed. He was still fast asleep, and the sunlight hit, and I had to get out of there. I couldn't face him waking up and seeing this mess in bed next to him. So I quietly got my stuff and left.
I went to my Dad's house, and made the deal: I would be moved out by Janurary 1st. I saw my chance: I could move away. I could get out of this stupid blackhole I had for my life. That morning changed my entire life.
I called Travis and left him a message, saying I'm sorry I panicked. And was in his bed again the next night. And then again, and again, and again. And I did stupid things, like try to hit on Nockels in front of him. And all I could ever talk about was finally moving out of there. And yet, time and time again, I woke up completely ensnared in his arms.
When he decided he was going to move to Denver, I was upset. It was okay that I was moving, but the fact that he was whigged me more than anything. He took my choice away. Like what if I wanted to stay there after all? If he's not there, then I certainly can't stay. And what if I wanted to stay with him? None of those thoughts could ever make it to the surface, so what else could I do, but pretend it didn't hurt when I realized I would never see him again?
New Years Eve 2007 was spent at his house, I walked in and wanted to burst into tears at the sight of all his stuff packed and moved. But we sat there, and drank a bottle of wine, and I watched the most harrowing year of my life tick away. And midnight, we kissed the year goodbye, then Steve Bourke crashed his car into the neighbor's lawn. It was funny :)
Travis and I went to bed, and after he fell asleep, I sat up and watched him, and felt the deepest sadness. So deep, it rocked me to the point where I was crying, and panicked to get the hell away from this terrible feeling. I ran out into the street carrying my clothes sobbing, and Steve, who was outside with Shirin, took one look at me and said "Oh my God, are you crying?!" I said "No!" very loudly and got in my car and raced all the way home to my bed and cried myself to sleep.
A week later, he was gone, never to be seen again. On the 10th, I drove myself to St. Louis, and cried the minute I saw the City Limit sign. Something significant had happened back there, and I was miles away in a new world.
I thought about him every day. Then every other day, then every other other day, and he very slowly went away. And I made my little niche here, and it was lifeless, dull, and anti-climactic in every way. Every once in a while, I'd call him, but he never sounded like he wanted to talk. He never called me. And a year passed.
Just when he was finally gone from me, I get a message saying he's going to be driving through St. Louis on his way to Georgia, and he wanted to stop and say hi. It was so strange, I was never going to see him again, and now he's back. But this time, there was no question. I could never have him, all I can have are these quick little trips.
There were 2, one on his way to Georgia, and then on the way back. Both times were fun, but there was no spark like there was back in Lincoln. Don't get me wrong, it was good to see him, but there was no crying, or emotional outpouring. I didn't want to let him go, but it wasn't awful like it was the year before. Both times he left, I responded by downing a bottle of wine and kind of "mourned" him. A little memorial to what's never going to be.
But this last time...
Worse than the first. A million times better than the first.
This is what happened. I can't write beyond this.